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Feb 09, 2023
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8
Tick, tick, tick,
There's never enough seconds in the day
please stay.
tick, tick tick,
the sound makes my so sick,
never ending,
always in the back of my mind.
Hold me, gently
I cannot stand on my own
I'm so scared of everything
splintered bone,
scratching against my skin
tick, tick, tick, tick tick.
when will you find out how weak I really am?
or do you already know
as minutes turn to hours to days,
it's harder to walk,
soon I will turn to ash and
blow away in the wind
tick. tick tick.
where do you see yourself in 5 years?
tick tick, tick tick tick
Who were you only a month ago?
A day ago?
A week?
tick, tick. tick tick tick.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
M4GG0TM3NT4L
2 years 5 months ago
this is still a superrr draft
this is still a superrr draft
Rosewood Apothecary
2 years 5 months ago
Well if it’s a rough draft
I’d suggest a slight re arrangement
Tick, tick, tick,
there's never enough seconds in the day
please stay.
tick, tick tick,
the sound makes my so sick,
never ending,
always in the back of my mind.
Hold me, gently
I cannot stand on my own
I'm so scared of everything
splintered bone,
scratching against my skin
tick, tick, tick, tick tick.
when will you find out how weak I really am?
or do you already know
as minutes turn to hours to days,
it's harder to walk,
soon I will turn to ash and
blow away in the wind
tick. tick tick.
where do you see yourself in 5 years?
tick tick, tick tick tick
who were you only a month ago?
a day ago?
a week?
tick, tick. tick tick tick.
I think that smooths it out a bit for the reader. The idea is good. The use of an onomatopoeia for the sound of the ticking clock gives the poem a disjointed urgency reminiscent of this absurd thing they call life.
Tim
M4GG0TM3NT4L
2 years 4 months ago
ahh,,
ahh,,
i see what you mean! i appreciate the help :)