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Oct 01, 2012
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In absence of love ~The Challenge
the sun burns in day skies
loyally in summertime
some cry out from its source of pain
longing peace and security
a trap into life's forge
fingernails scratching at lock doors
for entitlements enjoyed by elderly
fordone for all younger than 55
left to suffer at hands of corrupt ones
parched grass lay bare
no longer green
for those climbing fences
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
weirdelf
12 years 8 months ago
Hi Barbara, nice attempt
I can feel the compassion, pain and belief behind your words but I think they could be expressed in a more memorable way.
Remember what I said, that freeform doesn't exclude poetic devices like rhyme, meter, assonance and consonance etc, it just means they are not used in a rigid structure throughout the poem.
Would you consider trying a re-write to enhance the "musicality" of the language?
Barbara Writes
12 years 8 months ago
Jess
Will do. Thanks for the critique