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Jul 01, 2022
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Abusive World
I saw the child his eyes were cold staringly mad!
Twiddling his fingers pursing his lips;
Gazing into nothingness;
Education is void;
Memories of the ordeal keep racing in his mind;
Every feeling seems so real.
Daddy choking Mummy on the bed!
Mummy gasping for breath!
Slaps! Cuffs! Kicks!
Echoes to the walls;
Vibrations ripples across the floor;
Wishing the earth would consume him.
He wept silently;
Can the earth have opened up and covered him?
Might an angel rescue him?
Can the hand of God have picked him up:
He felt the blow piercing on his back;
Ripping his flesh beneath flesh;
His head explodes like a ticking bomb!
He fell to the ground in cold feet;
The pain of blood, loneliness and sorrows;
Enveloped him as he struggles to break the silence;
Someone! rescue, rescue him!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Kindly share any insight or perspective on this piece, and what needs to be improved. I humbly thank you.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Candlewitch
3 years ago
dear Warrior Princess,
I would change the title to read: (Abusive World)
in these lines some minor changes:
I saw the child his eyes (was) cold staringly mad! (were)
(Dwindling) his fingers pursing his lips; (twiddling)
Every feeling seem so real (always.) drop the word (always) it is unnecessary.
Wishing the earth (would) consume him. (add word)
His head (explode) like a ticking bomb! (explodes)
I liked the poem for the brutality, which you expressed very well. the changes I have suggested will help with the flow, making the poem smoother. keep on writing!
always Cat
Rosewood Apothecary
3 years ago
Local dialect
Being from Trinidad and Tobago I was assuming some of this is due to local dialects. At first I want to correct it too. But…then I remember that Mark Twain became famous by writing in common dialect below his own education. I also do this in my lyrics to make them sound more earthy. Just a thought.
Tim
Warrior Princess
3 years ago
Hi, Tim thanks for sharing
Hi, Tim thanks for sharing but it was indeed an error on my behalf. Great observation.
Warrior Princess
3 years ago
Candlewitch thank you for
Candlewitch thank you for taking the time to correct the grammatical errors and for sharing your perspective of the poem. It is genuinely appreciated.