lou

Nov 10, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Acid

The words burn, acid on my toungue.
i open my mouth to scream ,
nothing will come.

Mute cries for salvation,
etched in a pained expression.
Eroding my senses.

Struggling against the tide,
drowning in you.
gulping stagnant air.

Obscure muttering, inaudible insanity.
Shadowy whispered tones
asphyxiate mortality .

In stasis, praying for the end.
Tortured psyche,
transcending hell, scant hold on reality.

All is nothingness ,
a swirling mass,
within purgatory.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

About the Author

Region, Country: West London, GBR

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda , Jack Kerouac, Alan Ginsberg, D.H Lawrence, Jim Morrison's lyrics,

Comments

Hooded Stranger

14 years 8 months ago

Lou

Lou,

this is really well written and my only fault is it is too short, I could have read another ten more stanza's.

Great imagery and the silence trapping the words and emotions inside is well crafted.

If I should change anything it would simply be the order of the third stanza to:

Struggling against the tide
Drowning in you
Crumbling inside (although crumbling doesn't really go with drowning, so maybe 'suffocating')

My reason behind the order change is simply that in your version the person has drowned and then struggles against the tide, whereas, normally (although I haven't drowned recently myself), I would hav ethought you'd struggle against the tide and then drown.

Anyway, I loved this piece and would have given it 4.5 stars and nomination to spotlight.

lou

14 years 8 months ago

HS

your right it makes better sense now. ( Can i haee that half a star ?) lol

lou

Hooded Stranger

14 years 8 months ago

Lou

Lou,

I have considered your request for the half a star and have to deny it. I will require at least four more stanza's first!!

Lol!

Since you made the slight change I will up my stars to 4.75...that's the best I can do!!

Lol!

lou

14 years 8 months ago

HS

you are so strict lol

lou

Hooded Stranger

14 years 8 months ago

Lou

Lou,

I have learnt the art of being strict from the editor of the Neopoet Newsletter...you should meet her...she's a tough one I can tell you!

lou

14 years 8 months ago

HS

Yes get back to work !! Lol

Lou

Hooded Stranger

14 years 8 months ago

yeah sorry!

yeah sorry boss...was that two sugars in your coffee and do you want that foot massage now or later?

HS (your humble and terribly underpaid assistant)

lou

14 years 8 months ago

Underpaid ?

What makes you think your getting paid ?

lol

Lou

judyanne

14 years 8 months ago

awesome write lou

i really felt the helplessness and despair
and like dan - my fault that i want more....

love judy
xxxx

lou

14 years 8 months ago

Judy

thank you , ill give writing extra verses some thought.

love lou

judyanne

14 years 8 months ago

i wouldn't if i were you

in this case less is best...
love
xxxx

ziggy

14 years 8 months ago

hi

well lou this is a good read maybe a little short
or are you leaving us wanting more lol
what dan pointed out is good as i see it
the only other word i'd look at is the very first word
"(the) words burn like acid"
those words burn like,,,,,,,,,,,,
just a thought I might be wrong
a good strong write which I always like ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs x