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The Rain Sprite
The Rain Sprite
Dec 28, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

"The Afternoon Rain"

It was cold
The scarlet-dyed sky
Dissolved in the grayness of rain
At that moment,
I began to love
The evanescence of such powerful color.
I have loved that moment.
I was a wandering soul
With a heart shut to silence.
I wanted to cry
But the sky cried for me.
The even emotion that flowed
Like a turbulent river under the bridge,
Condemned the reasons
And set free to the chained heart.
After such moment of pain,
There was a sudden silence -
Quite deafening that I wanted
To dissolve myself in darkness
After the rain
There was...emptiness...

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Written Sept. 14, 2009 The first poem I posted on the old Neopoet :p

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: I am inspired by poets who can depict the deeper depths of human emotions and soul. Simplicity captivates me as well. I have a special place in my heart for Oriental poems.

More from this author

Comments

BlueDemon77

BlueDemon77

12 years 6 months ago

Deeply emotional and powerful

I loved you prior poem, but I can say I only like this one. Some of the phrasings to me break the barrier between the emotive and the sentimental, like

"I wanted to cry
But the sky cried for me.
The even emotion that flowed
Like a turbulent river under the bridge,
Condemned the reasons
And set free to the chained heart.
After such moment of pain,
There was a sudden silence -
Quite deafening that I wanted
To dissolve myself in darkness
After the rain

I see what you are saying here but I would say leave some time between occurrance and writing. The simplest way I can say it is that a bit of detachment adds an extra dimension so we readers are listening to a survivor, not a statistic. You have a wonderful command of the language. I can't wait to hear more from you.

Ron

t

The Rain Sprite

The Rain Sprite

12 years 6 months ago

Thanks

Thanks a bunch. I was still a university student when I wrote the poem so I hadn't given much thought about the way I wrote it or even organized it. I'll take note of your advice!