KINGZOMBIE

Apr 21, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

"All but a Lie"

Lay down your head my love,
lay it down on my chest,
listen to my heartbeat,
may it cause you to rest.
Rest with your eyes closed,
slow down your breath,
drifting away,
into a warm solomn death.

Dream of a sunset;
bathe in the sea,
dream of the serpent,
entwined in a tree.
Listen to waves,
they crash against sand,
watching a raven fly,
may it perch on your hand.

A bonfire it whispers,
to dark lonely winters,
a bitter reminder,
of gods tortured twin sisters.
The mountains are high,
the canyons are deep,
awaken from this dream my love,
awaken from sleep.

Your body is stirring,
you toss and you turn,
you await for a cloud,
since the sun will still burn.
The sunrise is beautiful,
you opened an eye.
You awoke only to realize,
it was all but a lie.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Maryland, USA

Favorite Poets: I have many favorite poets but I like Poe the most.I would also feel wrong if I didn't include music to this also, for I find it to be of great inspiration.These are lyrics to a song by Monster Magnet called Ozium, it never fails to put me in the writing mood and thought I would share it, lol., " I'm up to my brain in the mire of an ancient swamp, Pteranadon smiles at me and flies up to god, Baby let me drink deep from your globes of reality, Writhe your naked ass to the mindless groove, baby give your tongue a taste and follow me up to my room, the bullgod has your head, and baby thats just fine, now it is time, we became the mighty cell, wrap those hungry jacks? to the mindless groove, they say we've got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, baby, the faster you gyrate the faster we'll be there, arms up overhead, a goddess in the ancient song, work that mighty world to the mindless groove, they say weve got a life time but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, they say weve got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied I will not be denied"

Comments

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hello

Just getting here from dealing with BLOGS lol. I liked this but would suggest splitting most lines. It would still remain a western classic if only every other line rhymed and would make for easier reading in my opinion....................scribbler

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 2 months ago

Not sure ...

Not sure what you mean? I have read over it out loud and have not found myself tripping over anything.

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

OK

here is a sample of alternative lay out :
Lay down your head my love
lay it upon my chest
listen to my heart beat
may it cause you to rest
..........Just because i would choose to lay it out in this manner doesn't make it better, just a different way.......scribbler

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 2 months ago

oh I see ...

Thank you scribbler, I have very much to learn and am grateful for your help.I will give it a go, lol.

Pixee

14 years 2 months ago

I can't.....

I am not so good at critquing, but I can tell you what I think of your poem. I think it is a wonderful poem. Every word is placed a in their correct place like a piece of a puzzle, not word out of place.Keep on writing.

Read you later,

Pixee

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 2 months ago

Thank You

I worked hard to make it fit, I was really trying to make something beautiful.I'm glad that you like it, and thank you for your comment:-)

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 2 months ago

I agree 100%

And thank you for commenting, but please leave the blog stuff outside of my poetry.

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 2 months ago

Thanks Rosi

I picked a couple things from your edit, thank you very much.And thanks for your lovely comment as well:-)

lou

14 years 2 months ago

KZ

I enjoyed this poem it has a dark and gothic romantic feel. But in Stanza 1 line 5, I don't think that you need to repeat the word 'rest,' and also I think that in Stanza 2 it would sound better if you said, ' Listen to waves, they crash against sand'.

I liked this one a lot.

Lou

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 2 months ago

Thanks Lou

I see what your saying, I really do like "rest" in the places I put it, I found it to have somewhat of a hypnotic feel when I read it out loud.I kind of feel the same way about stanza two also, even though I do think you are correct, and a change there wouldn't impact the poem in the same way as it would if I took "rest" out.I will play with it and see, lol.Thanks Lou I'm glad you liked it, and I appreciate the help.

lou

14 years 2 months ago

KZ

Glad that i may of helped. lol

lou

magics02

14 years 2 months ago

King

May I take a crack at this for you and just make suggests. I need a little time but I would like to ask first if it is fine as you may have it done perhaps. I will give it a go if you like let me know. This is the one that struck some chords in my inners...

Blessings
Mona

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 2 months ago

Sure, have a go at it ...

I'm pretty happy with it where it is, but I would love to see what you do with it:-)

magics02

14 years 2 months ago

King

This is just a rendition of your words with a little of an edit to it for punctuation and word flow. Let me know if it flows for you and by all means let none of it if it doesn't fit do not use. This is a writers perogative in my opinion. Here goes:

Lay down your head my love,
lay it down on my chest,
Listen to my heartbeat,
may it lead you to rest.
Rest with your eyes closed,
slow down your breath,
Drifting away,
into a solemn death.

Dream of a sunset.
Bathe in the sea.
Dream of the serpent,
entwined in a tree.
Listen to the waves,
crashing towards the sand.
Watch the ravens fly,
may it perch upon your hand.

A bonfire, of whispers,
in dark lonely winters,
a bitter reminder,
of Gods' tortured sisters. (What is Gods tortured twin sisters King?)
The mountains are high.
The canyons are deep.
Awaken from this dream my love.
Awake from your sleep.

Your body is stirring.
You toss and you turn.
Waiting for a cloud,
as the sun still burns.
The sunrise is beautiful.
You opened your eye.
And awoke only to realize,
it was" All But A Lie."

You see how I incorporated your title in caps at the ending line to bring the story and poem to a close? You used correctly the eight lines per verse and I hope you can use some ot if. I will not feel any bit offended if any of my suggests are not taken or used. It is just my sample and my critique for now

Blessings
Mona

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 2 months ago

Thank you Mona

You did a lovely job with it, as for "gods tortured twin sisters", lol.That is the death of seasons, autumn and winter or at least that was the thought.I will contemplate your rendition of it, thank you Mona:-)

magics02

14 years 2 months ago

You are so welcome

And let me know what works or dosen't work for you. I am willing to make any suggests either way King. It does have meaning to you and I captured those feelings of it also.

Blessings
Mona