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at the altar

they lie there-

brave, frail,

the same.
hands, cold,

pretend to hold.
no saviour.

only the knife.

the gasp.
(you think you feel?

you think you live?

steal.

join.

prize.)
priest waits,

blade bright,

arms wide.
rest now.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: West Moreton, AUS

Favorite Poets: There is nothing quite as boring as a life completely devoid of shadows.

More from this author

Comments

Ruby Lord

Ruby Lord

2 months 1 week ago

Hi Cryptic, me again.

Hi Cryptic, me again.
There’s something here, but at the moment it’s hidden, so it’s not revealing anything? I wonder if being more specific, adding sensory details, even one line grounding the poem in its place might help the reader to visualise what’s at stake rather than just watching?
Initially we read “they” but by the middle of the poem the “they” becomes “you” and I got lost. I have no idea who they and you are here?
We know there’s an altar, a sacrifice, a knife, but there’s no world here so there’s no concern. You have to give us a glimpse of that world, even if it is in one minor detail of the victim, the priest or the altar.
The altar stinks of copper, blood.
Insects circle the bowl.
The priest's cloak, slick at the hem.
The tension in the scene, the idea of ritual or sacrifice is distant without emotional insight. The priest, the only named figure becomes a symbol more than a presence.
I hope this helps but this is only my opinion and I maybe completely off the mark here. Please ignore me if I am. Ruby xx

Frederick Kesner

Frederick Kesner

2 months 1 week ago

Thanks Ruby Lord, your

Thanks Ruby Lord, your comprehensive response gives me so much insight into the goings on of the reader’s mind. These thoughts I shall consider in my revising with much thanks to you:)

Ruby Lord

Ruby Lord

2 months 1 week ago

Hi Cryptic, thank you for

Hi Cryptic, thank you for your generous comment I'm glad I was able to give you more than just hollow praise and you have accepted my comments as they were intended, as an opportunity for both of us to grow and learn. That's how our words and voices will shape into stronger poems. I can't wait to see your revisions. Much appreciate your comment, Ruby xx no need for the Lord part ha ha.

Frederick Kesner

Frederick Kesner

2 months 1 week ago

Have friends whose last name

Have friends whose last name is Lord. Honestly didn’t think of it that way. I presumed it had to do with rubies and being the lord over them. But that’s how random my thinking can get. :j