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Oct 29, 2010
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ALTERED
My expulsion from the shackles I craved
gave his twisted desires room to devour
A seed your flower, truths buried within
the roots grip unaided beliefs.
Territorial pissing crossing the deep divide
the depravity of the cavity is where unanswered
Questions lie, the innocence of the cry
burning embers expelling the core.
That part of you I can't ignore
twas gripped and torn, familiar
Pattern sworn to secrecy yet
still I know can't let it go.
Have never faltered has
your opinion of me altered,
Growing into pain I seek for
you revenge the unnamed slain.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Comments
ziggy
14 years 8 months ago
hi
hello again ros i hope your keeping well
not sure about this new look of neo lol
cheers for the comment,,,,,,,zigs
lou
14 years 8 months ago
Ziggy
ab fab, a brilliant poem
lou xx
ziggy
14 years 8 months ago
hi'd
cheers lou you seen this before
cheers for the comment ,,,,,zigs
lou
14 years 8 months ago
yes i know lol
yes i know
lol
ziggy
14 years 8 months ago
hi jayne
hi hope you have being keeping well
I won't be making to many changes
to this one but cheers anyway ,,,,,,,,,zigs
themoonman
14 years 8 months ago
Hi Ziggy...
I think you have a good first draft here, to me it needs punctuation to
indicate the pauses, to deliver to your reader the way you read it, I may
be wrong but I'm thinking that when you read this aloud there are pauses
that are not pointed out here. The way this reads it seems disjointed to me,
the imagery is good but at the end I'm left wondering what it was about.
Richard
ziggy
14 years 8 months ago
hi
hi there richard hope you've being keeping well
yes punctuation may help but when i do post with
it i get asked why i will amend and ty,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs
judyanne
14 years 8 months ago
enormously sad
at least the way i read this one ziggy - am i correct in reading that this describes a great loss???
i just wonder about the last two lines...
'Growing into pain I seek for
you revenge the unnamed slain.'
did you mean that or did you mean either
'Growing into pain I seek for
you revenge (for) the unnamed slain.'
or
'Growing into pain I seek for
you(r) revenge the unnamed slain.'
also just one little typo ' faultered' 'faltered'
awesome write
love judy
xxxx
ziggy
14 years 8 months ago
hi
hi there i know the way i write is a little hidden sometimes
it depends on the theme, the lines you pointed out are as
i wanted but either works really , hope to do a bit of commenting
later i have to drive the kids around now trick or treating with a car
full should be fun lol,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs
ziggy
14 years 8 months ago
hi all
just so folk know this theme is hidden a little within the words but
if I had to say this is about rape
hope you all have a great weekend ,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs
catch up with ye later
magics02
14 years 8 months ago
Oh my Ziggy
Sure is lovely to read you once again friend. How are you doing? I felt this a strong write of yours and know you were in a deep mindset as you wrote it. Just catching up with everyone in here again and wanted to tell you this is really nice and I so missed you guy:)
Cheers and love to you
Magics Mona
xoxo
ziggy
14 years 8 months ago
HEY THERE
hi mona how the hell are you lol
good to hear from you again
read you shortly ,,,,,,zigs x
Race_9togo
14 years 8 months ago
Ziggy
I entirely missed this one, and only found it after I saw your comment on one of mine.
Another of my 'duh' moments, lol.
I love this poem. I have read it four times now, and each time I get something different, another layer of meaning. That's one of the halmarks of a good poem, to me, that it does not let you settle on one particular set of meaning and emotion.
Wheels within wheels, as it were.
Outstanding poem, Ziggy, welcome back.
ziggy
14 years 8 months ago
hi
hi, cheers for the comment, I am so glad you see something different
while rereading, that is something i strive for," wheels within wheels "
i like that ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs
Hooded Stranger
14 years 8 months ago
Zigs
Zigs,
I see you posted this one. A very powerful, in your face (if you know what it is about) piece of writing.
Full of anger and emotion...it's gritty and aggressive...love it!!
You should be featured as a 'Featured Poet' in the newsletter...I'll see what I can do!!!
Lol!
HS
ziggy
14 years 8 months ago
hi
well how do hood , yes this is one i sent you
hope you like my title yes full of anger and
emotion, its great to have your comment
o yes i think i sent you everything way more than
you needed lol , what am i like lmao, cheers for
everything my good man ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs
Hooded Stranger
14 years 6 months ago
Zigs
Zigs,
just wanted to re-read this one again. I am finding this is now officially my favourite poem of yours...until next week when I will undoubtedly change my mind and choose another!
LOL!
HS
ziggy
14 years 6 months ago
hi hood
cheers , I am glad you like this enough to return
who knows what next week will bring lol, thank you
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs
RoseBlack
1 year 5 months ago
I like this
The emotion was raw and apparent in every stanza. I like the use of language and flow. Well done.