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Feb 15, 2015
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In and Out... Feb. contest
Some doors will open and some doors will close
Be careful, most careful, they may close on your nose
Not that I couldn't stand to lose just a bit
There are days that it's rubbed deep in the shit
The door to my heart, some have unlocked
There are doors to my secrets, you might be shocked
Behind those closed doors, I keep who I am
There stuff is piled up against the jamb
Doors that swing silent, doors that groan loud
Some never opened; I've been too proud
Screened doors that just keep the pests out
Some are so solid, you can't hear a shout
Some doors are jammed, how they do stick!
Then doors that are opened with a small trick
We all need some doors, to get in or out
I guess that is really what doors are about
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Just thought that I should enter a contest about doors, since I had a dream about a locked door that I couldn't manage to open. The dream ended before I could find the key.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Rula
10 years 4 months ago
lovely Gee
I think stanza three is my favourite. I too like your last few words.
The rhythm needs a bit of tidying where it is off to my ear here and there.
Nothing else to suggest.
Wish you the best in the contest.
Geezer
10 years 4 months ago
I have...
made some changes suggested by the others and I'm not sure that they have made it better. Now, it seems off to me! ~ Gee
judyanne
10 years 4 months ago
lol
A fun write gee
I really like it
Scansion is out in a few places - for example, I would use the whole word 'against' in 'against the jamb', after dropping the comma after 'piled', for that reason
Also, I would drop the comma after 'couldn't' in verse 3 stanza 1 - and after 'rubbed' in the 4th - they make the reader pause where they shouldn't
And again after 'just' in stanza 3 verse 3
And the last verse is just a tad too short for my ear
I think I would add a word there.... Something like
'I guess that is simply what doors are about'
or 'I guess that is what doors are simply about'
all just imo as you know gee
love judy
xxx
Geezer
10 years 4 months ago
I made...
all the changes that were suggested and I especially liked the one about adding a word to the line of:
"I guess that is what doors are about." I used [really], because it seemed to fit the best. I think that that change was the only one that I needed to make, but maybe it will become apparent to all when the rhythm is read again. ~ Gee
raj
10 years 4 months ago
Gee
I couldn't have used the door even half as much as you have here..it was a good experience to see your perceptions door after door...which i guess is all about the contest theme of "door" ...was a pleasure read with some humorous garnishing too ...
Regards,
Geezer
10 years 4 months ago
Thank you...
Raj. I added the "garnish of humor" as you put it, because it occurred to me at the time. It wasn't a planned thing. Sometimes, I just get flashes of things that seem to fit and use them. Thanks for the kind words, ~ Gee
wesley snow
10 years 4 months ago
Humorous garnishings.
Indeed. Not the funniest thing you've written (too much philosophy for a good comedy), but it made me smile.
Geezer
10 years 4 months ago
I'm always...
glad to make someone smile. Just remember, that sometimes philosophy sometimes has it's funny side too. Thanks for the read, ~ Gee
lonlyhrtsclub13
10 years 4 months ago
I like this
We all have many doors..some we leave open, some we keep shut...some we only open for certain people and keep the rest to ourselves. Good write.
Geezer
10 years 4 months ago
Thank you...
I'm glad you liked it. I guess that there are as many doors as there are secrets. Kinda reminds me of the old game-show, where you had to pick door # 1, 2 or 3! ~ Gee
alidzain
10 years 4 months ago
Gee
Well written. This piece described all the doors in this life.
Alid
Geezer
10 years 4 months ago
Thanks Alid...
I don't know that it took care of all the doors, but I think I got some important ones! ~ Gee
scribbler
10 years 4 months ago
Hi Gee
A really nice one about how www compartmentalize the things we do and think.....stan
Geezer
10 years 4 months ago
Compartmentalization...
is one of those things I do really well. I'm glad that you liked this. Waxing philosophically is also easy when you have a snoot full ! LOL Thanks Stan, ~ Gee