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Angel
I walked ahead on this path of life
and watched the time leaving me.
The memories of days of strife
are fresh and clear as they can be.
So many friends I've lost to time,
so many aches I felt inside
and like a poem refused to rhyme
the worst of scars I never hide.
Just when I thought its the end,
the heavens reveal its surprise
That's when I met you, my friend
You were my angel in disguise.
I was a man, losing his way
as I drowned in total despair
before you saved and lit my day
when you lift me into the air
You spread your wings for me
and sang a gentle lullaby,
A single touch and now I see,
the beauty I can't deny
You taught me to fight for my dreams,
to believe and never lose the hope in me
no matter how difficult that it seems
my courage has grown, the steel in me.
You charmed the core of my soul,
your art, it humbles the man in me.
You showed me how to be so bold,
Your strength is what I'll always envy
We danced under the moonlight
as we soar across the endless sky.
I found myself in awe of the night
until its time to say our last goodbye
For all the blessings you gave me
and the wisdom, you have impart,
a friend to me, you'll forever be.
In my mind you will never part.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I think of Jayne, how much she inspire me and the words just came to me. Not sure if the meter is okay. I try to miake a combo.Please inform me if I've made any mistakes. You guys know I'm still very much a student
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
wesley snow
9 years 10 months ago
The meter for the most part is consistent.
You skip between iamb and trochee a lot, but in most cases the rhythm is not harmed. It is a good poem with a good subject.
Here are some suggestions:
the worst of scars I can never hide. (lose the word "can". It will fix the meter and not change the meaning).
my courage will not elope (this was tough for me. "Elope" means to run off with someone, not something leaving. A very confusing line).
You chamed the core of my soul, (you missed the "r" in "charmed").
Keep working on consistency in meter. Rhythm is paramount, but consistency in it is what makes a poem flow.
Sparrow
9 years 10 months ago
Alid
A great song for Jayne, and I think a few of the poets here on Neopoet.
Your writing has become an excellent read of late and it is a pleasure to walk with you.
Amidst the pain of life there is a warmth,
This warmth is called Friend.
Go well young Alid, Yours Ian..