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Antelope and Zebra!

Antelope and Zebra!
falling right from the sky,
Into you open eyes
there to recline!

In your daydreaming
your fitful mind scheming.
You'll rant and you'll rave.
Til you're completely undone.

No one can find you,
you'll up and head south!
It's just your temperature,
that's rapidly rising!

A brash indication,
that you'll never be found.
When the wind blows,
your once sandy brown hazel locks.

Maybe then someone
will reel you in gently!
Spank you,put you to bed,
in some fucking institution,
you'll never return from .

Isn't that exciting,
to feel your heart racing!
You'll feel the embarrassment,
enjoying your debasement.

Then on with the journey,
you'll escape with some
young lovely nurse,
to fulfill all your fantasies!
she'll keep you in line

This immature dominatrix,
who wants to destroy your mind!
She understands your illness
and capitalizes on your insanity.

You'll live happily thereafter
in some back street half trailer,
You'll pay the rent 50 bucks,
without your disability check

Then someday maybe
after you're dead and gone.
God will conclude that
your ass is worth saving.

Your impenitent heart
won't save you this time.
Then off to the furthest rock,
out in the universe.

To sit back and contemplate
all that has happened.
Your energy will return
to it's previous form.

It's all in a vision,
this textbook derision.
You'll have little control
over what happens this time!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: We all have our tradgedy's it's just how we deal with them!

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Ogden, Utah, USA

Favorite Poets: Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, Sting, Eric Bloom , and all of the poets at neo.

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Comments

Leslie

Leslie

4 weeks 1 day ago

Neo

Why do I even bother trying to find the words to say.

Ruby Lord

Ruby Lord

4 weeks 1 day ago

Hi Leslie, your poem pulses

Hi Leslie, your poem pulses with raw energy and emotion, capturing a turbulent mind in vivid, sometimes unsettling images. With a little more focus and restraint, its powerful voice could hit even harder without losing its edge. Ruby xx

Leslie

Leslie

4 weeks 1 day ago

Antelope and Zebras!

I don't understand what you mean by focus, in time will you please explain. As for restraint I believe you are talking about my coarse use of language.

Ruby Lord

Ruby Lord

4 weeks 1 day ago

By focus I mean the abrupt

By focus I mean the abrupt subject shifts, harsh imagery and urgency. It swings between unsettled and irrational.
And restraint refers to the violent jolts. It comes across as screaming in the dark and not so much as having a conversation with the reader. Did you write it to make the reader recoil? Ruby xx

Leslie

Leslie

4 weeks 1 day ago

Ruby,

I wrote it to help the world get a good grip about the mentally ill! Thanks for your response, it was quick!