Ashes

She was delivered in a red plastic bag
containing a purple shoe-box, wrapped
within something akin to the paper
that’s used at the chip shop.
Red and purple weren’t her colours,
though she was fond of fish on Fridays.
He dipped in his hand, fighting the tremors
and scooped up bits of the powdery grit,
letting her slip through his fingers again.
His daughter whispered words like hugs
and I remembered how he’d given up
sixty fags a day to stay fit enough
to keep her out of a hospice.
Later we sat in the back yard staring
at space where the tower blocks once stood.
He pulled a packet from out of his pocket
and lit up like an Olympic torch,
the finish of a pilgrimage.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: England

Favorite Poets: John Cooper Clarke , Fleur Adcock , Carol Anne Duffy , Derek Mahon

Comments

Ruby Lord

1 month ago

The raw details, the red…

The raw details, the red plastic bag, chip shop paper, and cigarette at the end carry real weight. I did wonder if the middle section could be tightened a little, as the strongest moments are where the language is the least emotional. Your ending is brutal. Well done, unsentimental, still deeply human, Ruby.

Geezer

4 weeks 1 day ago

I was...

clear on the gist of this piece as soon as I read the line about him dipping his hand into the powdery grit. Having lost three relatives and a dog who were all cremated, the lines were instantly recognizable. The little asides made this feel as though he was remembering something important about her, and not wanting to forget. The companion knows the family intimately and realizes how much he cared about his daughter and what he did to provide her with the best of care. To me, the middle of the piece is just as important as the beginning and the end. I could see the tears and see the trembling fingers as he held all that was left of his daughter, and felt like I would cry if I had been there. Good tight piece. Thank you for sharing.
Geezer.
.

Michael Anthony

4 weeks 1 day ago

Having lost a number of…

Having lost a number of friends and family at this point in my life, this hit hard Ray. Your imagery and emotions are captured viscerally in your poem. Thank you for sharing.

Ray Miller

4 weeks 1 day ago

Ashes

Thanks, Ruby, Geezer, Michael.

the strongest moments are where the language is the least emotional. - agreed, but I don't want people to think I'm totally heartless!

Geezer, the ashes were those of his wife, not his daughter, though I recall that someone else jumped to the same conclusion as yourself.

Lavender

4 weeks ago

Ashes

Hello, Ray,

I always study the last line of poetry - probably my favorite part of a poem. The final line here says it all. I can feel the long, sad exhale of that cigarette.

Thank you,

Ray Miller

4 weeks ago

Ashes

Thanks, Lavender.