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Jan 04, 2025
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Per aspera ad astra
October: Stillborn souls couple under sterile stars.
Here, a stagnant security claims a restless rule.
Peopled Rorschach Palimpsest spit gravel, dragging
their heels most often. The city’s radio codes whisper
as broken thistles basted in moonlight shed a boozy
peasant’s blood. Molecular moons made from ablatory
atoms balloon, blowing like The Challenger. This sonic flossing,
for the psychiatric patient, enhances from a lunar
organ’s dropsy. He knows batshit bees craze their prey
with choral hymns and curious cosmic compositions sound
in his screams, that a unicorn’s fight song lose in a sound mirror
shattered by black glass voids, sizzling his first familiar
face away in limbic fission.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
5 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, "Per aspera ad astra", exhibits a complex and layered use of language and imagery. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.
Firstly, the poem seems to be densely packed with metaphors and complex language, which might make it difficult for readers to grasp the intended meaning. While the use of rich language can be effective in creating a vivid and unique world, it is important to ensure that the meaning is not lost in the process. Consider simplifying some of the language or providing more context to help the reader understand the imagery.
Secondly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. The current structure is somewhat irregular, which can disrupt the flow of the poem and make it harder for the reader to follow. Experimenting with different structures could help to improve the rhythm and flow of the poem.
Lastly, the poem seems to lack a clear theme or message. While the imagery is evocative, it's not clear how the different elements of the poem connect to each other or what overall message they are intended to convey. Developing a clearer theme or message could help to give the poem more coherence and make it more impactful for the reader.
In conclusion, while this poem demonstrates a strong command of language and a unique voice, it could be improved by simplifying some of the language, experimenting with different structures, and developing a clearer theme or message.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
mark
5 months 1 week ago
Even the stars
Most would rather not be. Sucess may boost ones esteem though.
Just my opinions.
I like the surrealism. Wonderful creativity.
Mark