Atonement (eddy styx)

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem addresses heavy themes of guilt, remorse, and the search for redemption, which are significant and emotionally charged topics. Here are some areas that could benefit from further attention and revision:

1. **Consistency in Tone and Language:**
The poem alternates between formal, religious language ("rosary," "Father," "penance") and more casual or colloquial expressions ("throw back the brown liquid fire," "gravid," "just a kiss"). While mixing registers can be effective, here it creates some unevenness. Consider choosing a consistent voice or clearly delineating the shifts to enhance coherence.

2. **Imagery and Detail:**
Some images, such as "brown liquid fire," feel somewhat generic or predictable. More original, vivid imagery could help deepen the reader's emotional connection to the speaker's internal struggle. Consider exploring more nuanced or unexpected metaphors to convey the speaker's torment and guilt.

3. **Characterization and Perspective:**
The speaker's remorse is clear, but the poem does not fully explore the complexity of the speaker's moral responsibility. The phrase "If I'd only known! it started with just a kiss..." risks trivializing the gravity of the actions described earlier. Consider whether this line adequately captures the speaker's accountability or whether it might unintentionally diminish the seriousness of the narrative.

4. **Rhythm and Meter:**
The poem's rhythm is somewhat uneven, and the rhyme scheme occasionally feels forced ("mass"/"glass," "Father"/"erasure"). Consider revising lines to achieve smoother meter and more natural rhymes, or consider using free verse if rhyme and meter constraints are limiting the poem's emotional impact.

5. **Handling Sensitive Themes:**
The poem touches on sensitive subjects such as suicide, pregnancy, and moral judgment. It is important to approach these topics with care and depth. Currently, the poem presents the woman's tragedy primarily as a catalyst for the speaker's guilt. Consider whether the poem could benefit from a more nuanced portrayal of her experience and perspective, even indirectly, to avoid reducing her role to merely a source of the speaker's remorse.

Overall, the poem would benefit from deeper reflection on imagery, language consistency, and the ethical implications of the narrative perspective.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

The last line is like a magnifying lens through which the whole unfolding tale is amplified and it’s depth given contours and range. Exquisitely put together. :)

Hi Cat, you’ve got the bones of a powerful piece here. The use of religion, social stigma, the bourbon as sacrament, the rosary and the weight of mortal sin, builds layers of atmosphere. You also raise a quandary. When suicide is labelled a mortal sin, and stigma pushes someone to act that way, what kind of god are we dealing with? The religion I was taught had no answer for that, and this poem brings the contradiction into the light. Thank you for sharing, Ruby xx

This poem, with its powerful images and references, brings to the fore a question that has always plagued me: Where is the love in a religion that can cause so much pain? It seems to me that the original message must have been lost in the re-telling and replaced with anger, hate, and fear. It is no wonder there are so many who do not identify with it.