BlueDemon77

Sep 04, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Au dessus

the grains scratch the incorrect way
the capillaries burst and now it gives sway
blood congealed with thick human pain
a skyline filled with red and black rain

a Marianas trench of wounds
an Everest of angry swoons
a little sign of darkness falls
to torch the writing on the walls

we force it onto each other's soul
the final purity's burning coal

goes

out

About This Poem

Last Few Words: existential angst

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Columbus, Ohio, USA

Favorite Poets: Rimbaud, Coleridge, Sylvia Plath, Robert Lowell, Allen Ginsberg, Ai, Langston Hughes, Maxine Kumin, Anne Sexton, Kerouac, Burroughs, Amiri Baraka, Wallace Stevens.

Comments

BlueDemon77

11 years 10 months ago

Hi Beau!

Yes I meant it to me "above" or "beyond" pain.

The "it" that gives sway is the blood of the suffering.

The writing on the wall bothers me a bit but It here is intended to mean the establishment of a re-occurrence.

Thanks, I felt the ending had something rare. I wrote this last night in an improv. I welcome any further questions.

Thanks Beau!

Ron

Rula

11 years 10 months ago

I really love this Ron

though talking about pains would be anything but enjoyable. I can relate and emotionally touched by each and every word.
Some punctuation is needed I thought. I feel like I'm repeating myself today but I think Wesley's right when he calls for puncuation and "a more typologica errorl-free writing" if I may give it a name.
Thanks for shaing.

One more thing, I always wonder why do people choose French titles for English poems. It feels itchy for me :) Maybe because my french is poor? :)

BlueDemon77

11 years 9 months ago

Thanks Beau!

I can understand the instinct to use German. I find it architectural for lack of a better word. For me the sound of German is distracting and not congruent with my style. The basic sound of language that most appeals to me, strangely enough, is a Brazilian regional dialect of Portuguese.

Ron

BlueDemon77

11 years 9 months ago

Thanks Rula!

I will agree there are times I have shared very substandard, unchecked poetry and this may be one of those times. I honestly like some things about this poem but it is riddled with cliches and go to phrases in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I agree that a disciplined use of craft is a good instinct for me, especially now.

Regarding the use of French for the title: I wish there were some grand reason for it. It just felt right. Although my French is terrible, my wife is fluent. I have to put it to her influence on me.

Ron

weirdelf

11 years 8 months ago

An interesting thing

I like the poem very much and agree that the ending had something rare however I recorded it several times and couldn't find a way to make that ending work aloud. Strange.

Just a thought, perhaps it would add if you used the full French in the title
Au-dessus de la douleur
I don't know if that is correct French, I used Google translate.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s019C6LInwFV

BlueDemon77

11 years 7 months ago

Good read Jess

I thought you did well with it. I'm currently smoking (e-cigs) and drinking scotch to get my voice right for my own reading of this. Thanks for the critiques and comments.

Ron

Here's my version:

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1KJAz69qEZr