Race_9togo

Nov 11, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Autumn Moonlight Caress

Night has fallen, separating
her and I with miles of darkness
yet when I gaze up at new stars
that gleam the joys of her dark eyes
I raise my hands and know that she
feels my carress in moonlight.

New version:-

Night has fallen, separating
her and I with miles of darkness;
yet when I gaze at endless stars
that gleam the joys of her dark eyes
I raise my hands and know that she
feels my touch in moonlight.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is my first attempt at a passion poem, in the complimentary form devised by Pugilist (Jonathon). Gulp!

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne, T.S. Eliot, Serendipity, Emily Dickenson, Kailashana, Charles Bukowski, Kabir, Rett, Dalton, W. B. Yeats, William Blake, Rainer Maria Rilke, and many other Neopoet poets; Neopoet has heavily influenced my poetry and my ability to write it well.

Comments

lou

14 years 8 months ago

More , more , I want to read more !!! Lol
Great job.

Lou

Race_9togo

14 years 8 months ago

Thank you Lou,

I think you will see some more of these, from me; I like the format, and the impact.

scribbler

14 years 8 months ago

moonlight

One of the best short writes i've read in a while. Only thing i"d do differently is move " seperating " to the start of second line kudos.......scribbler

Race_9togo

14 years 8 months ago

Thanks Scibbler

I appreciate your comment and opinion.
This is a poem that I wrote as an excercise, and the form in which I wrote it does not permit the moving of that word to the next line. But I see what you mean; as a truly freeform poem, that is what I would do, too.
Thanks again.

scribbler

14 years 8 months ago

title

Your title has given me an idea for a new poem, thanks.........scribbler

Race_9togo

14 years 8 months ago

"underground"

omg...not going there, not going there!
LMAO
Thanks Shirl, for your lovely comment.
:)

Race_9togo

14 years 8 months ago

Thanks Rosina

I try, heehee.

Pugilist

14 years 8 months ago

Critique as requested

Jim,

First, excellent job overall. The title both gives purpose and direction and the flow of the poem, in general, is excellent.

I believe you've caught the essence of passion poetry in focusing on a moment and the emotional reaction. I have found that much of passion poetry has a wistful nature which, for me, connects more deeply than the perfection most love poetry describes.

So, again, good job on adhering to the form and capturing the intent and creating a compelling image.

Now, for the issues. Line 6 is a syllable long and I am stumbling on line 3 and I believe it's a matter of trying to find the words to convey the intent that fit the pattern and still flow like natural speech.

But this is what I love about structured poetry.

So, for line 3, for me "new stars" creates a stumble where it is, yet line 4 is dependent on "stars" being the last word and we've only got a syllable to play with but then I see the word "up" which we can trim, thus giving us 2 syllables. I really wanted to use the word "untouched" here to capture and extend the intent of "new" but we have line 6, a syllable long and since we have "caress" in the title, a word that is perfect for passion poetry, we can substitute "touch" in line 6 and both preserve the style and reinforce the action. So "untouched" makes "touch" repetitive so I went to the Thesaurus and discard many words before trying "flawless" and while not a perfect fit, it's growing on me.

Lastly, I modified some punctuation to control the flow a bit more and try to replication the natural pace of a conversation.

These are, of course, merely ideas and suggestions. You, as the author, will decide if they are worthwhile and perhaps use them to define your own solutions and modifications.

So, here is the poem recast with the above indicated modifications.

-----------------------------------------------
Autumn Moonlight Caress

Night has fallen; separating
her and I with miles of darkness,
yet when I gaze at flawless stars
that gleam the joys of her dark eyes,
I raise my hands and know that she
feels my touch in moonlight.

Race_9togo

14 years 8 months ago

Jonathon,

First, thank you very much, both for the critque, and the positive reinforcement, both are much appreciated.

Line 6: I can only plead hurried slopiness. I did in fact change that line when I realized it had one syllable too many, but failed to save it after making the change.

Line three. Yes, I see what you mean, "new stars" does stumble, and on reflection, "new" is too vague and too passive,as well.
Yet I don't like "flawless" either. I tried "perfect", but it's too choppy too, and "rising", but that's more of the moon than stars, but then again, it fits with the title...
But I think "endless" is the word I really want. It reflects what I feel about the gleam on the next line, if you see what I mean.

The last line...yes, "touch" is the best choice, for the reasons you stated.

I see why you like the limitations of rigidly structured poetry. It forces me to think more about cadence and flow, and pushes me to explore a wider set of words, as alternatives for others.

I have put the edited version below the original, instead of replacing it, as I would like others to see the differences.

Thanks again, Jonathon, for your critique.

Pugilist

14 years 8 months ago

Jim

"Flawless" was not the best fit, agreed, and "Endless" is a better choice for that line. Well done.

As far as critique I am happy to do it and pleased that you gave the form a try and that you found value in it.

Tonya

14 years 8 months ago

Damn it… I’m thinking….

Taking in Jonathans suggestions,
I can not think of a thing to change.
The picture is perfectly whimsical
and full of soft passion.
I love this short poem.
The only thing.. Carress in the title
should be caress. (love the title too)
I have to mark this one so I can come back
to read it again and again.
Always,
Tonya

Race_9togo

14 years 8 months ago

Tonya

I am very pleased that you enjoyed it so much. "Carress"...ouch, that made me cringe. Changed it. I left the original too, new version's underneath the old one.
Thank you for your kind comments.