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Jan 26, 2025
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Awake
Will I address that dream where you awake
within the veil between this world and sleep
where echoes pass like voices on a lake
familiar as unmemories running deep
From here, concealed in fog, we watched you fawn
Your visit most intriguing; like a child's
Your eyes so ever slightly slit and drawn
in want of rest from perils of the wilds
Your breath is in the breeze where children play
what sweet perfume came drifting in your call
Believe this is a place not far away
and let you gaze in wonder of it all
But no, I will not speak more of a dream
if even it was more than it would seem
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Taking a break from the news, relaxing for a change. I hope you enjoy my sonnet. Edit: removed comma as suggested, word change in S3L4
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Ray Miller
5 months 3 weeks ago
Awake
Enjoyed the read.I like the final two lines best, though I don't think you need the comma after "even". Do you intend "unmemories"? Can't see what would be wrong with "memories" myself.
There's maybe problems with the tense. On the one hand "we watched you fawn", but then "Your breath is in the breeze".
The 3rd stanza comes across as rather vague.
Triskelion
5 months 3 weeks ago
Hi Ray..
..and thank you for reading and of course, the comma was not needed there, so thanks for that as well. The line "your breath..." indicates a continuous state, but I can appreciate your point regarding tense.
"Unmemories"is an attempt at word creation, but perhaps it falls flat for "non memories"..I've been working on that line to be honest.
I changed a word in S3 and rearranged one. I hope it's more direct.
This piece is a structural variation of a longer poem I wrote, so it has been a challenge to condense it and still carry the idea through.
Thanks again and I always appreciate feedback, especially with punctuation
Cheers! Thomas
Ruby Lord
5 months 3 weeks ago
Hi Thomas, I do like your
Hi Thomas, I do like your sonnet it has a natural flow full of atmospheric imagery which is fitting in that it is about dreaming. I think the volta could be improved. Your shift from describing the dream world to the decision not to elaborate creates an admirable tension within the poem. Ruby xx
Triskelion
5 months 3 weeks ago
Hi Ruby!
..thanks for reading and enjoying this sonnet. I wonder if the word change I made in S3L4 is an improvement. Of course, suggestions are always welcome!
Cheers Ruby!
Thomas
Ray Miller
5 months 3 weeks ago
Awake
Hello Thomas. It would've been helpful to have retained the original, perhaps, for purpose of comparison. Anyway, Your eyes so ever slightly - you want "ever so".
Believe this is a place not far away
and let you gaze in wonder of it all
It reads awkwardly and its sense isn't clear - to me anyway. Maybe "and let yourself gaze in awe of it all"?
Triskelion
5 months 2 weeks ago
Hi Ray
..I've been mulling the "let you" (phrase?) after reading your comment and I think it's okay with that arrangement by substituting "you" with "me" and "us"
Let me, let us, let you, of course I'm not wholly educated in grammar, so, I tend to use substitutions to see if it makes sense and I could be way off..lol
The parent piece to this one is dear to me, and will use it in my next book, or if a moment calls for it.
True, I lean on poetic licence (license?) in some of my work and will sacrifice proper grammar in place of metre at times and yes, I may be off kilter in general.
Thanks for the feedback as I appreciate all of it!
Thomas
Lavender
5 months 2 weeks ago
Awake
Hello, Thomas,
Tender, loving and sweet. Perfect for a break away from the news. You are so keen in rhythm, it's beautiful. I love the word "unmemories" - I tend to love all "un" words as to me they add a softness and depth to the ordinary. But, "unmemories" here (to me) feels more like hoping and wishing for memories that unfortunately were not possible, having never happened. I hope I'm sensing that correctly because it adds even more tenderness.
Such an endearing sonnet.
Thank you,
L
Triskelion
5 months 2 weeks ago
Hi Lavender..
...and I'm happy you found a unique interpretation of that "unword"...it is an intriguing interpretation. Unfortunately, I'm not pleased with that line because it is arguably off meter. I prefer using proper english pronunciation for words instead of the "lazy tongue" versions, so it doesn't sit so well. Any suggestions for a replacement for that line is welcome. Thanks for reading and leaving a nice comment!
Thomas