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Jun 08, 2016
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B E R M ersion
gradients of trust
thrown up
from the erosional
erasure of a solid
trust
the wind wails
weathered walk
and dunes with
patient fingers
talk
in whispers
hissing
like grasses
paper hush
emote
In the thousand
yard scale
the light like
liquid fins
shuffles decks
of magnanimous
fates
and chance
the winds in shells
spent
beneath
a surface
lent
particles of
theory
smoothing
grasped
with roots
like branches
thoughts
draw love
upon the sands
as sure
and real
as footprints
in these
nights
when the
depths reversal
show us a
purpose
rehearsal
....
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
jane210660
9 years 1 month ago
There's some fantastic
There's some fantastic alliteration in here and the rhyme gives a steady flow.
But I can't pretend I understand a lot of it. I'm ok with the last stanza, but could do with some help in the early stages.
Hope you don't mind me asking, but I'd rather ask and understand, than make the right noises and completely miss the point. Jx
Geezer
9 years 1 month ago
I don't usually...
give suggestions on your work, but I just couldn't get past a couple of your lines here.
I'm probably wrong about what you wanted to say, but I just had to offer these changes in hopes that it might smooth things out.
Particles of theory grasped with roots
and branching into thought.
Just my take on it, ~ Gee
Esker
9 years 1 month ago
I smiled!
Make the right noises....miss the point
because....Point being in my mind a tactical verb
is front....
had to look at it...
about emotional fortification
i had to build them
and then at the sea
water was figurative in our
lives then
and the beauty
of the immediate presence
of the structure
and awareness
and how its absorbed
by nature
the psyche
cycles
and memory
the power of its purpose
and existance
and why
is there....
Berm
a pretty heavy word
I like that U ask such
good questions
thank U Jx!
jane210660
9 years 1 month ago
Thank you, I can read and
Thank you, I can read and enjoy now. Jx
Esker
9 years 1 month ago
Strange too...
I started with a bros and sis older...at a cottage...
much fun...good mid wealth
sixties..moon walks and vietnam riots
laugh in Hollywood squares
White Rabbit Mods
and intellectual debates
at the little beach building sandcastles
beneath the large clouds
and growing at the card table
staying up later
in the debates of social and political
times...grew into the groomed
adversary to my mother
and father here and there
the emotional charges
psychological
the castles and beach
fortifications become
the vista of the interior
but then without that
and those battles
I would not be able to
do what I do know out
here...
social atmosphere
and the depths would
have been too great
strategies for
survival
and of course I
love architecture
old ruins
and the very very
new social
media
tnx!
lovedly
9 years 1 month ago
to understand u esker
I shall have some one
intelligence in me administer
But I have none
all said and done
'tis beyond me
Sparrow
9 years 1 month ago
Steve
A thoughtful stroll among the dunes and along the beach, there the thoughts reverberate a view into another's tract.
Loved the starkness of this one, yet is there an underlying yearning for someone to be there waiting to share,
Yours, Ian