Back Seat

On the back seat of the 144
a girl laments her unfaithful lover.
I cannot sleep at night, she sings,
knowing that he lies with another.
Each verse a dagger and I twist
and turn around, curious to discover
the song and singer; her eyes mourn,
she is wind-ripped and heart-cracked.
I hesitate to interrupt, as if it’s TV
and I’m witnessing a murder.
She rings the bell and rises.
A trudge along the bus, she disembarks,
pausing to discard the return ticket.
Her song is finished. At the corner
she veers towards the train lines,
the multi-storey car park,
the canal; then I lose her.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: England

Favorite Poets: John Cooper Clarke , Fleur Adcock , Carol Anne Duffy , Derek Mahon

Comments

Geezer

2 weeks 5 days ago

I felt...

as though you may have had some interest in the story because of being in a similar situation. You follow her wanting to commiserate; to let her know that you understand, and maybe to get a little sympathy for your own situation. You see her throw away the return ticket and realize that she has made the decision not to return. Do you want to know how and why she made that choice? Do you wish that she could tell you what to do? I like that the story has no end; that it is left up to the reader to finish the tale according to their own emotional needs. A mystery that distracts one from their own dilemma. Well told tale. ~ Geezer.
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Rula

2 weeks 5 days ago

If this was mine

I would drop the last few line for more suspense

"Her song is finished

At the corner."

Just me I think 🤔

Enjoyable !

Ray Miller

2 weeks 4 days ago

Back Seat

Thanks both. The ending is meant to indicate various means by which she might commit suicide. What I haven't done is make it clear that, rather than following her, N is still observing from the bus, perhaps having taken the back seat himself.

Lavender

2 weeks 4 days ago

Back Seat

Hello, Ray,

I think it is clear the narrator remains on the bus, and the last note and reference to the canal lends itself to her destiny. I can almost hear the bus accelerate as we watch her vanish from view.

Thank you,

Ray Miller

2 weeks 4 days ago

Back Seat

Thanks, Lavender.I think it is clear the narrator remains on the bus - ok, I'll take your word for it.