CCfire

Mar 27, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

a bar with broken hearts

he predicted it,
the way seismologists can
with tremors of the earth.
he predicted she would leave
and wouldn't excuse it
or write him words to weep with,
she would simply disappear
the same way she arrived

he will drink her away,
find some small corner,
sit and face remorse
in a smudged, dirty glass
and he won't stop
until the feeling dies

or he does

'she had eyes' he said
'that melted polar icecaps
mistaken for global warming,
i saw myself in hers'

i could only wonder
what kind of woman
gets up and disappears,
who becomes like
the remnants of smoke

he looks me in the face and says
'she was everything'

it occurred to me right then
this might be why we all go back;
back to the well more than once

because love can be beautiful
even when it is this goddamn painful

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: [This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Melbourne, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Bukowski, Neruda, Rumi, Gibran, Jeffers, Corso, Waldman, Kerouac

Comments

Blue_Halcyon

14 years 3 months ago

It is because she has those eyes - that she can leave

Some women are like that - just have trouble staying in one spot, and there are men just like them as well. They are the sort of creatures that will beat themselves to death on the bars of a cage that a relationship creates.

I used to be one of those that would run. (In fact, one guy I was engaged to was aware of my tendancy to run. He joked that he would buy me a pair of running shoes as my wedding gift. We never made it to the altar.)

I also know about going back - that can be dangerous! hahaha lol

Another excellent poem - keep up the good work.

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

I agree there are a lot like

I agree there are a lot like that both male and female, it's a shame sometimes that we tend to play with the human psyche which afterall is rather tenuous at the best of times. Thank you so much for the comment.

weirdelf

14 years 3 months ago

[shudders in self recognition]

well, at one point in my life anyway.

Effective.

Do you think you might have lost your way in this a bit? You don't follow through with the environmental metaphor. The last three verses seem to stray into general reflections. This could be 2 separate poems or, with some work, one really good one.

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

I am never sure which

I am never sure which direction my writing takes, it tends to pour out and become what it is in around five minutes and then it takes awhile for me to sit and review what I've actually written, I wish I could slow the process down sometimes but a muse is what it is I suppose..I think the emotional relationship aspect became more demanding than the environmental metaphor which is probably why it strayed.

scribbler

14 years 3 months ago

hello

I don't write much free verse, but I enjoyed this one a great deal. I have a few ideas you could consider :
L-2 try moving"can" at beginning of L-3 to end of L-2
L-11 try face HIS remorse
L-24 try the aroma of vanished smoke
just a few random alternatives which you are of course free to trash.........................scribbler PS welcome to the asylum lol

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

Thanks

I liked your first suggestion, the others lol..I like less filler words and pronouns rather than have it read too prosey. But thanks I enjoy all input :) Thanks I think I have papers now to be locked up in here for awhile lol

raj

14 years 3 months ago

Hi CC

this is the second one i read today which is an eye opener in the context of the devastating effects of the tsunami dwelling upon if man is responsible for it in a way because of his greed...focussing in a subtle manner the value of living in harmony with nature and mother earth...

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

oops..is this a first glitch on new site?

Your Fukushima comment is posted on my other poem...I gather somewhere along the line you read both :P

pleiades

14 years 3 months ago

i like this a lot

the easy conversational tone
is one i particularly like in writes
it's one of my prefered kind of
writes, actually

this presented clear imagery of
the scenario
so easy to see him sitting at
the bar, lamenting, yet acepting
the lack of her

hard pressed to see anything
that needs crit, but 2 very minor
things i thought

perhaps omit the 'she' in line 5?
and have 'or he does'
as a floating line?
for me, that line on its own, gives
weight to the thought

look forward to reading more
of your work

cheers
p,

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

Thanks p

Yeah like both your suggestions, this was one that I felt very deeply and is about real life. Thanks for the visit to my work.

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

Yes it is superfluous I guess

Yes it is superfluous I guess but because of the curious nature of me, the inference is on the exact conversation so I feel it's necessary to leave but I will consider carefully should more think the same way :)