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Apr 28, 2025
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Battle Lamps
The heart exhales,
as the soul finds peace
in the middle
of my chaos.
The type that
makes despair
into a kidnapper
with no demands.
Sick of the wars
with my reflection,
to the point
that if I don’t
let this pen
undress my mind,
I will lose the hope
that even when death
is unlocking the door,
sitting next to you,
promising to
be with you
till your last breath.
Oh, if I spilled
the vault
of thoughts,
it would
give a monk
a panic attack.
Even in my
darkness,
my peace
will light
streetlamps
on the paths
of broken hearts.
I will not rest
till despair
is no longer
a threat—
just a memory
best ignored.
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
1 month 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem addresses heavy emotional themes and attempts to communicate a sense of solidarity and resilience. However, there are several areas where the poem could benefit from revision and clarification.
First, the imagery and metaphors are somewhat inconsistent. For instance, the metaphor "makes darkness into a gun that has no bullets" is intriguing but unclear. Clarifying or expanding this metaphor could strengthen its impact. Similarly, the phrase "if I spilled the gallons of thoughts, I would end the world's droughts" feels hyperbolic without sufficient grounding or context. Consider refining this metaphor to make it more precise and believable.
Second, the poem shifts abruptly between personal introspection ("wars with my reflection") and broader societal commentary ("politicians with devious missions"). This shift is not clearly signposted, which may confuse readers. Clarifying the connection between personal and political struggles would enhance coherence.
Third, the language occasionally slips into clichés or overly familiar expressions, such as "the soul finds peace," "bring out the sun," or "street lamp on their way home." Consider replacing these with fresher, more original imagery or phrasing to maintain reader engagement.
Finally, the poem's ending message of solidarity and hope is clear, but the final stanza ("comrades in a battle that they win by just welcoming a new day") risks oversimplifying complex emotional struggles. Consider exploring more nuanced ways to express the idea of resilience and perseverance.
In summary, the poem would benefit from clearer imagery, more consistent thematic transitions, avoidance of clichés, and a more nuanced approach to its central message.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
1 month ago
Battle Lamps
Hello, Paul,
This reads like a soliloquy - almost Shakespearean. What great language, wonderful poetry, and encouraging thoughts.
Thank you,
L