Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Oct 18, 2021
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
The beach (October Halloween contest)
At the north side beach of river benue
They went fishing
Having fun and eating roasted fish
Making jest to each other
They turned teasing bob
Of his bigger head and a tiny waist
"Head boy, head boy they yelled
Was a mockery name they gave him
Some called him "kanyi west"
Meaning tiny waist
He looked just as described.
In their midst also lie a nightmare
The hunters of the river
There he go swimming towards the reave
In a blink of an eye the water became red
With blood
The crocodiles catched up with Ben
And shared him amongst themselves
In shock they all gazed
The little boys shivered
Helplessly they watched their friend
Became a meal to aquatic soldiers.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
3 years 8 months ago
While I don't see...
a direct connection to Halloween; I do see that it is properly horrifying; with the young boy being eaten by a crocodile!
I'm not sure about the line: "In their mixed, also lied a nightmare." I am going to assume that you mean; " In their midst lie a
nightmare, meaning that their teasing and such, caused the youth to dive into the river to get away from them and he was eaten by the crocodiles. ~ Geez.
.
Simon
3 years 8 months ago
Yes
Very correct you are, any way let me say I will continue writing on this platform even if I can not win based on my little mistakes oftenly made. Thanks for always noticing them for me.
Geezer
3 years 8 months ago
Never say...
never! Many times, the judge overlooks minor mistakes and if he/she likes the poem in general, they give the prize to the author. There is still time to write a proper Halloween poem and maybe... Who knows? Any way, I did enjoy the story and Please, continue to write here; you have a big voice for freedom and honor in your country! My admiration, Sir! ~ Geez.
.
Simon
3 years 8 months ago
Once again
Thank you so much and continue to be my neopoet corrector God bless you.