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alidzain

May 24, 2015 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the workshop:

An Exploration of Style, Subject, and Critique

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Bearer Of Secrets (Exploration WS haiku)

Hidden compartments
filled the president's table,
with secrets untold.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

More from this author

Comments

10 years 1 month ago

I like this

I have always enjoyed the conciseness of Haiku. There are a lot of takes on Haiku and a lot of rules around the form above and beyond the syllable count but as many rules as there are, there are just as many exceptions.

That said, line 2 is not as strong as it could be, particularly the entry. Overall though, I like this.

10 years 1 month ago

Jon

Thank you for the feedback. er... any suggestions for further improvement?

Alid

10 years 1 month ago

Line 2

"in the president's table,"

The beginning of this line is passive. Try an opening with more direction.

10 years 1 month ago

Jon

what do you think about the edit?

Alid

10 years 1 month ago

I thought the original line had better potential

"in the president's table," had a weak intro, but it was not a weak line.

Hidden compartments
in the president's table,
sealed secrets untold.

Try reworking the second line but keeping the reference to the president's table. I like the founded in reality message. If felt more genuine.

10 years 1 month ago

Jon

how about now?

Alid

10 years 1 month ago

This is better

it's definitely less passive.

Let it sit for a day or two and see what you think when it is not so fresh in your mind.

10 years 1 month ago

I loved the subject use,

but since I know nothing of haiku I cannot adequately critique.

10 years 1 month ago

Wes

thanks for the comment.

Alid

10 years ago

Ever heard of Checkov's Gun?

If you introduce an object, use it.

Hidden compartments
filled the president's table,
a tape to his head.

(I am thinking of Watergate)

10 years ago

Jess

mmmm.. thanks for the comment.

Alid