DAY or NIGHT

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Beauty In The Darkness (Oct contest)

When the night returns,
the world is filled with silence
as the moon's gentle glow
lit the dreams that flow.

Somewhere out there, lovers gather,
admiring the heavenly cluster
dazzling like little diamonds in the sky
as their hopes spread their wings and fly.

A young mother cradles her baby
who yawns and sleeps peacefully
in the arms of a lifetime of bliss
and a love, sealed with a kiss.

I send my prayers for friends, from far and near
whom I never met but my heart holds dear,
the companions who share their magic with me
in the realm of images in true poetry.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

raj

9 years 8 months ago

Good contest post Alid...

A couple of suggestions if I may

replacing "spreading" with "dazzling" in L3 S2
find a closer rhyme instead of "serve" to rhyme more perfectly with "love" in L4 S3

Regards,

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

thanks,

raj..

Alid

raj

9 years 8 months ago

Good to know the suggestions

Good to know the suggestions worked for you..to me this reads even better now..

Regards,

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Thank you, raj

for pointing it out in the first place.:D

Alid

weirdelf

9 years 8 months ago

Not commenting as part of the contest

Just loved the poem and felt it deserved a read, It expresses emotion without descending into maudlin sentimentality. shows how strict adherence to form in not always necessary for the best effect.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/beauty-in-the-darkness-oct
Hope you enjoy the read,

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Thanks, Jess

I am glad you loved it and I'm honoured that you have chosen to let others hear you read it.

Alid

weirdelf

9 years 8 months ago

I should have asked your permission first, sorry about that.

I often find it helps to hear my work spoken by someone else, it gives an idea of how different accents change stress and meter. I hope my Aussie accent didn't throw you off! [grins]. Southern States of America have a very different sense of accenting stressed syllables, I suspect it is the French influence. French uses long and short syllables instead of stressed syllables for meter.

SoundCloud is a free, easy to use app that can link to social networks too, if you choose and it is archival. All you need is a microphone.