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Nov 24, 2011
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BEAUTY OF DISTANCE
From great distance in dark of night
a jewel shines with its own light
seen from these soaring mountain ridges,
are tall skyscrapers and lacy bridges.
Too far to hear the throbbing noise,
the trucks and trains reduced to toys
flowing through the asphalt arteries
spewing chemicals on urban breeze.
You can"t see the filth and desperation
through miles of night and separation,
and I can"t see the jumbled masses
of middle, upper or lower classes.
Just a blazing diamond in the dark,
each person's just another spark,
so I'll stay here far, far away
and not look there in light of day.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
scribbler
13 years 8 months ago
hi Ian
Having been offline for a couple of months, all places have seemed distant. Thanks for the read and kind comment..........stan
weirdelf
13 years 8 months ago
I like the theme and message,
the rhyming works well,
but the meter is all over the place like a madman's breakfast. I think a little thought to the flow and construction could improve this immeasurably,
scribbler
13 years 8 months ago
hi Jess
You know me...write first then refine lol. Thanks for the read and advice ( and for not showing full picture in avatar lmao............stan
weirdelf
11 years 1 month ago
hint:
I was naked, yes your worst nightmare confirmed [grins]
loved
13 years 8 months ago
I do not know whether I can comment here
but your maiden poem
after resurrection,
from that far away distance,
is like a jewel just unearthed
by excavators in search,
out in the open lurch
my deer friend
and well-wisher...Stan .
scribbler
13 years 8 months ago
hi loved
your comments are always welcome as are any others. When I get caught up with correspondences I hope to get back to reading all my friends again.........stan
loved
11 years 1 month ago
Please do
read my message
ere
I
ere!
Geezer
13 years 8 months ago
Nice...
to see you back, Stan. As always, your rhyming is super. I too want to see this "refined". Hope you missed us as much as we missed you. ~ Gee
scribbler
13 years 8 months ago
hi Gee
Very good to be back. Am slowly working a few changes into this. Always tinkering with my stuff. Thanks for dropping by.................stan
weirdelf
11 years 1 month ago
small changes, great effect
well done on the revisions.
Your eccentric use of meter has indeed become a trademark of your poetry, I see it now used with concious effect, even if you don't [grins]
scribbler
11 years 1 month ago
See
I actually Do go back to stuff and revise . And one needs to first know the rules before he/she can effectivelt break them I think........stan
Seren
11 years 1 month ago
Dearest Bro
I simply loved this, I cant find fault (though I didn't go through the revisions I know bad me) I'll explain later ...
Beautiful
much love Jayne xxx
scribbler
11 years 1 month ago
Howdy
It's kinda amazing to me how a person can let a poem sit a while then return and almost instantly spot ways to improve it. No need bother with checking revision. The changes are not as important as the final product anyway lol. Hope all is going well with you and thanks for dropping by.........stan PS I'm not saying this Is the final product but it is the improved one
aviisevil
10 years 8 months ago
wonderful imagery
I like how this write draws in the reader and then leaves them grasping for more.
scribbler
10 years 8 months ago
greetings
Both to neopoet and my little page. If you have questions about site feel free to ask me or any other member. I appreciate your time to drop by and leave such kind comment.....stan