Jackweb

Apr 11, 2022 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

BEAUTY FLASH

Why is a woman's shapely figure
set for spotlight
their attraction gives
a great aesthetic pleasure
I'm now staring
a lissome scintillating lass
in a bank lobby
my eyes began to survey
I'm now taking mental photographs
capturing all her body features
her symmetrical beauty attracts my vision
I love everything about her
I'm now emotionally suspended
love hanging in the thin air
a summary of love and lust

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Imo State - Republic of Biafra(Nigeria), NGA

Favorite Poets: Late Christopher Okigbo, Wole soyinka, Maya Angelou, W.H. Longfellow, John Milton, W.B. Yeat.

Comments

Geezer

3 years 3 months ago

There are...

just a couple of changes I'd like to see you make.
I don't think that the word you want is [glaring] the word is usually associated with anger.
maybe, you might use [staring]?

How about instead of using [premises], you use lobby?

Instead of using [symmetry beauty attacks my visibility] try:

Her symmetrical beauty attracts my vision.

Leave out the line [yet I extol her virtues all around her]
it doesn't add anything to the poem. Maybe say: I love everything about her.

[thin air].

The rest is fine, and I think that your title is good, the rhythm and pace just so and it flows well from beginning to end.
~ Geez.
.

Jackweb

3 years 3 months ago

Ok

Thank you so much Geezer!

Geezer

3 years 3 months ago

Nice job...

I'm glad to see that you paid attention and made some changes. ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

3 years 3 months ago

dear Jack,

it is good to see that you employed Geezer's change suggestions. good title, on this poem of attraction. it flows well and the language usage is good. these are my favorite lines:

I love everything about her
I'm now emotionally suspended
love hanging in the thin air
a summary of love and lust

good work!

*hugs, Cat

Jackweb

3 years 3 months ago

Thank you Sir

Ever since I encounter you in neopoet I am becoming more better in poetry. You are the over all eyes that sees here. Or should I use this metaphorical statement... " The sky eagle that always sees from afar! Your mastery of English usage in poetry is second to none. There's no correction given to me here will I ever take for granted.

Secondly, Cat you're also on the same page with geezer. Even whenver you first gave your corrections Geezer has nothing to object. Your intellectual chemistry truly are the same. I use this medium to say, thank you so much for your precious time to give corrections. Not everyone can do that here.
My regards!

Candlewitch

3 years 3 months ago

I am...

so very happy that I can help you. in helping you I am learning how to critique poetry. I really enjoy your poems...and to be put in a category with Geezer is a very strong compliment for which I thank you! keep on writing!

*hugs, Cat

Jackweb

3 years 3 months ago

Thank you

Infinite thanks both of you!

Ray Whitaker

3 years 3 months ago

Dude!

You have described a woman who has a body of perfection and truth. You randy guy, you! HAHA

nice work here. I hope you are describing your wife, or if not, then hope that she never reads this...

Jackweb

3 years 2 months ago

Hahaha

She doesn't go through my poems. Ray you nailed it. That just it. But I'm not a randy man. As a poet you know; we express our feelings at any point in time. Thank you Ray