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Feb 01, 2014
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Betrayal
Lying on the bed,
two bodies lay entwined.
Sacred vows are broken
Lust is served as wine
Hands exploring
Hearts dancing in delight
after so many nights
they have long been deprived
Tasting the honey-sweet sin
forgetting the poison within,
the horned devil is laughing
the traitors' fates have been sealed
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I am trying out imagery. Not sure how well it goes, though. Any ideas for improvement, anyone?
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Seren
11 years 5 months ago
Alid
I am running on fumes its nearly three am here I will come back I have a couple of suggestions in mind, I think they could improve the flow the inconsistent rhyme makes the rhythm jerky, it could be that I am tired so I will return with a fresh mind tomorrow night and see what I cant offer you.
I like the theme I think it will be a good poem when its had a few tweaks
love and hugs JC xxx
alidzain
11 years 5 months ago
JC
ok. you take care now. have a good rest.
Alid
Seren
11 years 5 months ago
Still here trying to go but I
Still here trying to go but I keep getting messages, seeya tonight or today actually lol
nighters
love and hugs JC xxx
alidzain
11 years 5 months ago
jc
don't forget to help me with the poem "betrayal".
love and hugs
Alid