weirdelf

Dec 21, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A better place to be

Today I enjoyed my mind,
it might not seem a big ask,
I’ve been doing it most of my life,
Often wondering
if it was as much fun in other people’s heads
as it was in mine.
A dangerous neighbourhood at night,
but which of the best places aren’t?

Today I enjoyed my mind,
it hasn’t happened much lately
but today is today

About This Poem

Last Few Words: ta for Juduanne for the ending

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The Romantics, The Mersey Sound, The Beats and, of course, The Bard

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

scribbler

12 years 6 months ago

Hi Jess

I'll keep coming back to this until I can give a reasonable ending.................stan

weirdelf

12 years 6 months ago

Hint: there ian't one

One good day is enough to live for.

Anything anyone could say would be Hallmark bullshit about the future.

scribbler

12 years 6 months ago

Is too

never underestimate the power of the scribbler lol............I'll come up with one if it fries my brain

judyanne

12 years 6 months ago

but today was today

is a great ending
- imo of course

i would suggest you break that one long line up a little - maybe
'Often wondering
if it was as much fun in other people’s heads
as it was in mine'

lol
i really like
'A dangerous neighbourhood at night'

one's own mind
it's a good place to be at peace in isn't it
love judy
xxx

weirdelf

12 years 6 months ago

thanks Judyanne

that was the right ending.
You are great.

Ian.T

12 years 6 months ago

Jess

"As the mind once again took control" would be an apt ending for this piece but it needs a lot of work.
The theme running through is held there, but seemingly behind bars of self mistrust, dare I say any more, Yours as always Ian.T

weirdelf

12 years 6 months ago

No, friend

let's just say I had a good day and they are so rare I wanted to celebrate a bit.

Ian.T

12 years 6 months ago

Jess

There are more good days to come just wait and be patient, why do you young ones want everything in one go, lol
I think I forgot to say I liked the frankness of your write it seemed quite natural, Take care young man and know we think of you, Yours Ian.T

weirdelf

12 years 6 months ago

To me the best poetry is simple truth

oh, that does not mean that poetic technique can't enhance simple truth. Sometimes plain words are best.

Geremia

12 years 6 months ago

Well done ! I enjoyed the

Well done ! I enjoyed the natural, easy cadence,

joe

weirdelf

12 years 6 months ago

thanks Joe,

that is an nice compliment. Although you know I have studied many forms of poetry, I believe a natural (sounding) cadence works best. After all, what are we trying to do? Talk to people.

wesley snow

12 years 6 months ago

Please to leave the ending alone.

As a whole, it put to words that which is hard to understand. But I do.

weirdelf

12 years 6 months ago

Wow! I am flattered.

I wrote something in almost non-verse that you seem to appreciate.

Where we are so different, and so important to each other , is that if I could say a poem in one word I would. Yet I understand that you could say a lot more in epoesy (is that the word?). And I would like to learn that too.

wesley snow

12 years 6 months ago

It's "epopee" and

I count you among my mentors.

scribbler

12 years 6 months ago

Hi

Told you I'd return lol. I see you deleted last line so my suggested change os moot. But since I went to the trouble of thinking up a non-cliche I figured I'd pass it along :
"however rare". So trash or use as you see fit..................stan