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T
Thepoetofnorwoodavenue
Feb 09, 2022 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A bird that cannot fly.

I am the bumbling heart that no one wants
I am the marigold
I am the seed that grew in snow
Yet how easily I was sold

I am the feather in your hair
I the needle in your eye
I am the misty autumn air
I am the firefly

I am the hunger one can't feed
The tangle you can't cut
And at night- the darkest steed
The door that you can’t shut

I carry the scent of words in hiding
The frailness of a book
A single page along its binding
Or the scarring of a crook

I am the poem none can comprehend
A riddle I myself can’t solve
I am the bird that likes to pretend
-that she can fly at all.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Just looking for some feedback to improve my writing! Thanks :)

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: U.S.A.

More from this author

Comments

Triskelion

Triskelion

3 years 4 months ago

Hi poet

I'm having trouble with the line "or the scarring of a crook" judging from your skill, I believe you can come up with something nicer than that

Thomas

Geezer

Geezer

3 years 4 months ago

Yes...

I like the theme; it is the old familiar one
of self-doubt. Many of us poets are writing from the heart
and are not sure if anyone is listening or even cares about
what we write. Let me assure you, that poets are listening,
we see ourselves in the rest of the world, and we all wish to be understood!

I like many of your thoughts and expressions.
You bring a vision of everyday and ordinary things that many people who are not
writers do not think about; that is good. I especially like:

"I carry the scent of words in hiding"
"The frailness of a book"
"A single page along its' binding"

However, I am with Triskelion in that I do think that
you can come up with something better than that.
I don't see what this line has to do with words, books or pages.

All-in-all. a good poem that you can make better. ~ Geezer.
.

T

Thepoetofnorwo…

3 years 4 months ago

Thanks!

This was the intended message, I'm glad it came across that way. I've been needing a different perspective and this was very helpful :)

Ray Whitaker

Ray Whitaker

3 years 4 months ago

WELCOME!!! somehow I missed your first submission

Sounds very feminine here. I am liking this piece, likening the theme of self doubt, as the Advocates above have mentioned. I am wondering if this could be more of and open-ended piece, rather than the ending you have chosen.

It's good. You've started shaking everything you've got, however it just needs a bit more "funk".