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Mar 15, 2025
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Birthday/ Unbirthday
Although it is my birthday,
I'm not feeling very well.
Don't feel like celebrating,
Not under that birthday spell.
I only want to sit,
And watch the world go by.
Keeping my sorrows to me,
I'm trying not to cry.
Although only one year older,
My body's falling apart.
My pains have brutally aged me,
Weighing heavy on my heart.
I know that birthdays matter,
And you love these special days.
And I hate to be the purveyor,
Of miserable ,sorrowful ways.
But I really do not feel it,
I'm like a deflated balloon.
And the end of my birthday,
Really can't come too soon.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
4 months ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem clearly communicates the speaker's emotional state, using accessible language and imagery that readers can easily understand. The metaphor of feeling like a "deflated balloon" effectively conveys the speaker's sense of emotional exhaustion and disappointment. To strengthen the poem, consider the following points:
1. The rhyme scheme and rhythm are consistent, but at times the rhymes ("well/spell," "by/cry," "apart/heart," "days/ways," "balloon/soon") feel predictable. Experimenting with less expected rhymes or varying the rhyme scheme could add complexity and depth to the poem.
2. The imagery and metaphors used ("body's falling apart," "pains have brutally aged me") are straightforward but somewhat general. Consider incorporating more specific details or unique imagery to deepen the reader's emotional connection and make the speaker's experience more vivid.
3. The poem expresses sadness and weariness clearly, but the emotional range remains somewhat limited. Introducing subtle contrasts, nuances, or moments of reflection might enrich the emotional texture and provide the reader with greater insight into the speaker's internal struggle.
Overall, the poem effectively communicates its intended emotional state, but greater specificity in imagery, more varied rhyme choices, and deeper emotional complexity could enhance its impact.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
4 months ago
Dear Tiger Kaz,
I can really relate to this poem of Birthday Blues... I liked your expression of said sad day! I think you really nailed it! Your title is okay, it defines it. I thought the progression of expression was natural and smooth. I know that the day has passed, but please allow me to wish you smiles and rainbows in the commencing of this year. Happy un-birthday to you
always, Cat
Tigger Kaz
4 months ago
Thank you
It just felt like another day to try and get through.
I tried to find some joy, but it's hard to find - when pain and exhaustion dominates.
It was nice spending time with my family though.
Candlewitch
4 months ago
Yes...
I know what you mean as I, too, have some serious and painful ailments.I think, out of my major three, fibromyalgia is the worst as it is progressive through the day. I hope you have found ways of coping with your ailments. I can tell you that your pain has produced some mighty fine poetry.
always, Cat
Tigger Kaz
4 months ago
My God given Gift
God gave me this gift. I think so that I would still have a purpose, even when suffering much pain.
Plus a way to release my emotions in a healthy way.