scribbler

Aug 09, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the workshop:

RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin

(Read More...)

BITTER AND SWEET (rhyme patterns SS)

O the wonders of the spring
all the song birds perched to sing
a wasp just stung me on the ass
I've got to cut the freakin' grass

With flowers blooming everywhere
I've more than enough love to share
pollen swells my nose and eyes
new fire ant mounds which I despise

Ladies' fashions become spare
belly buttons and midriffs bare
along with men's knobby knees
plumbers' butts shine in the breeze

The cold of winter days long gone
'ere long pleasant weather will be done
replaced by heat (now that's a bummer)
and unrelenting southern summer

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Geezer

12 years 10 months ago

The meter falls...

off a little here and there, but it works well when you just read it out.
1] maybe you could say in the 2nd line 2nd Q: I've got enough love, I can share

2] How about leaving off the the first word of the last line of the 4thQ ? [and]

3] 2nd line: [Soon] pleasant weather will be done

Good theme, as usual. ~ Gee

scribbler

12 years 10 months ago

Hi Gee

I think I like most of your ideas and will edit later today..............stan

judyanne

12 years 10 months ago

i don't know stan

you want me to write 'bad' poetry for the shop, and you don't??

this is sing-songy to an extent, but the text fits the feel - and isn't really much different to your usual submissions.... and i wouldn't call them 'bad'

love judy
xxx

scribbler

12 years 10 months ago

Thought I'd kill 2 birds with one stone. I dug out a poem I wrote a while back but never posted because I though it a bit singsongish. It's not so much I want bad poetry, we just need stuff easily improved upon with a SS quality for the next stage........................stan

Ian.T

12 years 10 months ago

Stan

As this is just the intro piece to rhyme for this workshop it is fine, we can sort out proper writing as we progress but this as it is shows all we need.
Yours Ian.T

PS:- Since I had solar panels fitted in March my meter reading has gone down by two thirds, is this bad for poetry ???????????

scribbler

12 years 10 months ago

Hi Ian

I bought a hat with a photovoltic cell hoping to energise my writing lol.......................stan

scribbler

12 years 10 months ago

Hmmm.....

This makes 2 who think it's not SS enough. I'll see if I can do better in edit later today..............stan PS not sure whether making something more SS should be referred to as better lol

Rula

12 years 10 months ago

I am sure

that the rhyme fall is intended for the sake of the workshop
and the rhyme sceme is great indeed!

scribbler

12 years 10 months ago

Hi Rula

As I said above this is a piece I'd already written that I thought might be a good one to use here. I guess I'm the only one who didn't write a new poem just for this shop. But then I probably have a lot more old rhyming stuff to choose from than most. I'll do an edit later today to make this easierto work with later on................stan