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Sep 07, 2022
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Blistered and Burning
The worst consequence of our ending
is that my life became a chore
and the lack off effect
me leaving had on yours
you left my candle burning
blistering and screaming for more
while I was fading to ash
you were off
declaring a war
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Geezer
2 years 10 months ago
Just a couple of little things...
that might make this a little smoother
I would leave out the [worst] making the line say: The consequence of our ending
[and the lack [of] effect
[my] leaving
blister[ed]
Your language use has been addressed
The pace of this one is good and flowed well, from beginning to end.
It's always hard to break off a relationship, and especially hard
when it seems to be harder on you than the other person. Hang in there
there is someone out there that feels the same way as you.
~ Geezer.
Ray Whitaker
2 years 10 months ago
Welcome to Neopoet!
Your writing reminds me of W.C. Williams.