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Mar 06, 2025
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Bones V4
At first, a mere amusement, an old relic of decay,
set by the fire to draw a crowd, and swindle coins away.
Some gazed in awe, uneasy, shivering in their places,
while reckless others, fingers ran, through its hollowed spaces.
A death corrupt, a suicide, the devil owns its face,
bones sit slouched in the pub, rotted in disgrace.
Its vacant eyes, grinning jaw, as if to jest or speak,
‘til one night it raised a finger, to voice his cruel critique.
At first, no heed was paid to bones left bent and bashed and broken,
a hush fell thick as spilt beer, heads turned had it really spoken?
When that knuckle lifted high, demanding to be heard.
a brittle crack, a whisper low, it would not be deterred.
Drunken sots swore on their lives they’d caught its murmured voice,
a tongue like wind in weathered stone, declarations of no choice.
Gossip snaked around the room, each word a mocking curse,
the barman rattled stiffened bones before dispensing its next verse.
It named their sins, their twisted crimes, obscene and sick in sound
a wife’s last breath, a night of lust, base deeds rose above ground.
The drinkers sat in silence, guilt thickened in the air,
as wizened digit curled once more, compelling them to stare.
One by one, their stories told of scandal and damnation,
a crooked move, determined, and unholy in fixation.
Each name a whispered horror, faces set to burn,
as it turned to them in judgment, pointing each in turn.
Nightly ‘fore the toll of bones, they bow their heads in shame,
under the moon’s suspicious eye, no one leaves the same.
The drinkers slip into the dark, their backs weighted down with fear,
the skeleton grins inside the gloom,
the end is drawing near.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Although this poem shares a dark tone with Cadaver, it stands on its own as a separate piece. I’ve refined it multiple times to make sure the atmosphere and tension work as I intended. Let me know what you think.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
4 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem demonstrates a strong narrative structure and maintains a consistent, eerie atmosphere throughout. The imagery, particularly the depiction of the skeleton and the pub setting, effectively establishes a sense of unease and moral judgment. However, there are several areas where the poem could benefit from revision:
1. **Meter and Rhythm:**
The meter is generally consistent, but certain lines feel overly long or crowded, disrupting the rhythm. For example, "bones sit slouched in the pub, rotted in disgrace" could be tightened to better match the established rhythmic pattern. Consider revising lines that feel slightly cumbersome or overly wordy to maintain a smoother flow.
2. **Clarity of Imagery and Action:**
The poem’s central event—the skeleton raising a finger and speaking—could be clarified further. The transition from an inert object to an active, judgmental figure is intriguing, but the moment of transformation could be made sharper or more vivid. Clarifying this pivotal moment would strengthen the poem’s dramatic impact.
3. **Characterization and Emotional Depth:**
While the poem effectively conveys guilt and shame, the drinkers remain somewhat generalized. Providing brief but specific details or images of their individual sins or reactions could deepen the emotional resonance and make the skeleton’s accusations more compelling and vivid.
4. **Consistency in Language and Tone:**
The language occasionally shifts between formal and informal registers (e.g., "Drunken sots swore on their lives"). Consider whether these shifts are intentional and effective, or if a more consistent tone would better support the poem’s atmosphere.
5. **Ending and Resolution:**
The ending ("the end is drawing near") is somewhat vague. Consider whether a more concrete or specific conclusion could enhance the poem’s impact. Clarifying the nature of the impending doom or consequence might strengthen the thematic resonance.
Overall, the poem has a compelling narrative and strong potential. By tightening the rhythm, clarifying pivotal moments, deepening characterization, and refining the conclusion, the poem could achieve greater coherence and emotional impact.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
4 months 2 weeks ago
When I...
first saw this, I thought to myself that this was a continuation of the previous one. I also wondered why the patrons continued to go and drink there each night. Maybe to hear the mummy/ghost tell more stories about their neighbors? Why not, if they have already been castigated? After all, I would suspect that most everyone has a story or two that they wouldn't like told in public. Nicely done, ~ Geez.
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Ruby Lord
4 months 2 weeks ago
Hi Geezer, thank you for
Hi Geezer, thank you for reading and commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed it and felt it was worth one of your positive comments. Much appreciated, Ruby xx
Candlewitch
4 months 1 week ago
Dear Ruby,
I really love a good dark story, and was pleasantly surprised by the suspense flowing from start to finish! I wondered why you did not make these two lines as one:
the skeleton grins inside the gloom,
the end is drawing near.
my favorite poem for the month! Thank you for this soulful tale, much enjoyed!
fondly, Cat xxx
Ruby Lord
4 months 1 week ago
Hi Cat, thank you for reading
Hi Cat, thank you for reading and commenting. I really appreciate that you enjoyed the suspense. I see what you mean about breaking the line, but I wanted the break there so the reader pauses before the finality of the poem. I want the reader to feel that pause, letting the last line linger with them after reading. I hope that makes sense? Many thanks Ruby xx
Candlewitch
4 months 1 week ago
:) Yes...
it makes a great deal of sense and I feel it on the second read through!