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Feb 26, 2014
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Borrowed Love
Darkness rose and rapped invite on morning's window
seeking self approval under naive linens
Lips which frosted in December's coldest winter
quiver truths betrayed before they hit the pillow
Bodies sex and promise suns shall set forever as
rays of lonely light come peaking through the keyhole
Remind faceless shadows how the day makes strangers
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
11 years 4 months ago
Scott
This is compelling in a way and powerful. I am not sure about the form. Is it something you've created, does it have a name?
I especially loved the imagery in this line, very effective:
"rays of lonely light come peaking through the keyhole."
eightmenout
11 years 4 months ago
Rula
The form is just how the work came to me. No other rhyme or reason for it. No name. Thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed the work and found it compelling.
Thanks,
Scott
wesley snow
11 years 4 months ago
I don't know.
This did not blow me away.
I am all for twisted sentences that take a moment to congeal, but when I have to fight my way through I become weary of the conflict and lay down to die (sorry, imagery workshop... brain frying... you understand).
I didn't like the poem because it was too hard. That may reflect more on me than you. Don't change anything, I just needed to throw my two cents into the boiling waters of contentious commentary...
Goddamn workshop. My mind is oatmeal and the fool thing is just getting started.
eightmenout
11 years 4 months ago
Wes
Thanks for stopping by. I didn't think this one required all that much work, but then again I am very familiar with it.
If I am not mistaken, I would venture to guess that you are trying to coax me into a workshop???
Scott
wesley snow
11 years 4 months ago
Duh.
.
eightmenout
11 years 4 months ago
which shop?
which shop?
wesley snow
11 years 4 months ago
What would you like to run?
This would be your idea. I will help. My position would be moderator. You decide what you would like to "teach". It's mostly a venue to get poets talking. To a certain extent workshops run themselves. You would get the ball rolling on a subject of your choosing. You can't have Dramatic Verse, that's my next shop.
Think on it. I believe you have the skills. Your first would be traumatic, but then what you would gain would be invaluable. Remember this: the best way to learn something is to teach it.
eightmenout
11 years 4 months ago
I thought you were wanting me
I thought you were wanting me to participate. I really don't feel like I have time to take a workshop let alone run one. I am up at 5 am most days and work until 9 or 10 each night.
Supposing I did have time, not even certain what topic I would be able to teach.
wesley snow
11 years 4 months ago
I was aware your time constraints...
were considerable. I don't mean now. I merely wanted you to consider it. I am building for the future. You have the skills. When you have the time my request will be repeated. The horse industry as a whole settles down in the winter, so my time loosens up which is why I'm running workshops. Come spring and then (horrors) summer I will be working sixteen hour days and I'm not going to want to be encouraging poets in a shop.
As to the topic... what is the nature of the bulk of your poetry? Look at what you like to write, what you actually write and (importantly) what you would like to write.
Let it be a marble rolling around in your head gathering thoughts on the subject (how's the imagery on that, eh?).
This workshop is making me a little nuts. I'm glad I'm not running it.
Not to say that running a workshop is a bad thing... (there I go ruining all my efforts to get you to think about workshops and leadership).
eightmenout
11 years 4 months ago
I think that running a
I think that running a workshop at some point would be fun and, as you say, beneficial to my poetry. I will keep you informed as to how my schedule is looking.
Rula
11 years 4 months ago
Yes.
I loved the imagery there. You didn't need the workshop. We are all aware you're there to add more to the workshop sir.
wesley snow
11 years 4 months ago
I NEED the workshop.
You use poetry infinitely more competently than I. The stuff does not find itself into my small poems with ease. I told Stan if he didn't change my poetry in this shop I was going to find out where he lived...
Rula
11 years 4 months ago
NO WAY !!
"You use poetry infinitely more competently than I. The stuff does not find itself into my small poems with ease. I told Stan if he didn't change my poetry in this shop I was going to find out where he lived..."
W. H. Snow
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
Hi Scott
Wow. what can I say. this is one helluva of a poem you've written. I don't really understand all of it but this is abstract and I hoped you will take Wes's offer into consideration 'cos I think I will want to be a participant in your workshop.
Alid
eightmenout
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
Wes has been after me for some time to run a work shop. Shortly after this exchange I sent him an idea for a shop, but alas Wes has not been on the site in quite some time (not that I am aware of, anyway). Now I am far too busy to run one. Not even writing much if any at all.
Thanks for taking the time to comment on multiple works. It is appreciated.
Scott
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
Scott
Just asking. Are you still working for such long hours? I don't know how you do it, bro. Well, take care, my friend. Work is important but so is health. You'll do no one any favours if you fall sick.
Alid
eightmenout
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
Yes, I still work long hours. Spoils of running your own business. I have no choice. It is either that or go back behind a desk for which I am ill equipped.
I am but a year removed from being hospitalized. They told me I needed to back off. It was only a matter of time before I over extended again. Perhaps if my father didn't think so lowly of me, I wouldn't be so driven.
Scott
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
Hi Scott
Just a suggestion. Maybe you can try to have a heart to heart talk with him. To be driven is good as long as you don't overdo it. Try to get help with your business, bro. I know you want to prove yourself to your father but sometimes you just have to decide what is best for you and don't let others' thoughts dictate your choices in life. This won't be easy but do think about it. You are the one who is living your life, not them. I hope and pray that you'll find a way to have a better life.
Alid
eightmenout
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
I really haven't cared in quite some time what he thinks. Simpy put, there are just things that happened in my youth that won't let go.
weirdelf
11 years 2 months ago
You
can do better.
However when yo have time to do a workshop it would be much appreciate.
eightmenout
11 years 2 months ago
I can do better?
I can do better?
weirdelf
11 years 2 months ago
Yes, by leaning, using workshops
especially reading good poetry, which you obviously don't and by writing un-considered poems and not wring shit every day.
eightmenout
11 years 2 months ago
Jess
All I do is learn. I have never considered myself accomplished at anything. I wish I could be in more workshops, but it hasn't worked out that way.
As far as reading poetry, I will admit that I don't read often enough. But to say what I am reading is not good. Not certain how you can qualify that. Anne Sexton, Langston Hughes, Henry Rollins and Emily Dickinson are at my bedside. I also read Boulevard and other such magazines. There are others. Many others that I read. Pretty certain they don't all suck.
What do you mean by "un-considered" poems? "not wring shit every day"?
weirdelf
11 years 2 months ago
eek the comment was meant for someone else,
my bad. You are a fine poet.