Brake Failure

Damn, woman, this is good. All the elements of a poem that make poetry poetry.

You gots skills.

I have no favourite lines, to take any would be like coitus interruptus. ;-)

~A

but as many of your recent poems, lacking in prosodic quality. It is a statement in fact more than a poem. Prose.

I wouldn't necessarily suggest changes, it feels like a cathartic poem, but it could be better poetry.

You know the drill, assonance, alliteration, references, meter and as a last resort, rhyme.

Hmmmm. It was *just enough* for my tastes, Pamela.

I overdose on too much sweetness, it's my poetic metabolism that needs balance.

~A

I find it hard to have my poems show rather than tell. I think that is what the Weirdelf is getting at.

Okay, first I must defend my territory. Jess suggested that you go to rhyme as a last resort. I say we start with it and discuss meter right after, but that's me. I think you know by now I find little to love in free verse. I should now go on a rampage about "the loss of music that is the heart of poetry" or "where is the lyricism?", but I won't. Like Byron, I just like my rhymes. Now, I don't care if this is poetry or prose. It's freaping jarring is what it is. Like the business card guys were handing around a couple of decades ago to girls that had written on it an introduction. A quick bit about being too shy to talk to girls, so he resorts to this card. It offers an evening before a fire with wine talking about poetry and philosophy, great literature, perhaps the stage....and then we can F...
Like I said. Jarring.
I think I just described a successful poem. You managed to rattle my cage.
wesley

The only thing I would suggest changing is to swap places with 1st and 2nd lines............stan

I think the thing some forget is that free verse is very contemporary and modern compared to rhyme, this to me has enough metaphor that shows the poem and the right amount to tell the story, I know you've been working hard on your free verse and it shows. Liking what I see.