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Jan 19, 2026
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Break
Watching and waiting,
For this one call that may settle me,
And bring clean air into this world engulfed with smoke,
That I may keep my weapon in the shelf of peace,
Far away from watching eyes filled with grinded hate and stained mercies.
I yearned for everything to make sense,
To revolve around normalcy, calm and less sighs,
But as they say "spilled water can't be gathered together"
And I now sit, feeding on natural salt mixed with tears,
Watching everything dance against quiet, anti movement of sadness policed by you.
I say these things because you left,
Even when i asked you with my fingers and feelings,
When my mouth was too stiff to regulate my emotions,
Was this how you left?
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
3 months ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem effectively conveys a deep sense of longing and emotional turmoil through vivid imagery and introspective language. The metaphor of "clean air" amidst a world "engulfed with smoke" powerfully evokes a desire for peace and clarity, while the "weapon in the shelf of peace" suggests a tension between conflict and the hope for resolution. The line "Far away from watching eyes filled with grinded hate and stained mercies" adds a layer of external judgment or hostility that compounds the speaker's internal struggle.
The progression from yearning for "normalcy, calm and less sighs" to the recognition that "spilled water can't be gathered together" captures the irreversible nature of loss or change, which is a relatable and poignant theme. The phrase "feeding on natural salt mixed with tears" is a striking image that effectively conveys sorrow and endurance.
The final stanza personalizes the poem, shifting focus to a specific relationship and the pain of abandonment. The contrast between unspoken communication ("asked you with my fingers and feelings") and the inability to "regulate my emotions" through speech adds emotional complexity and vulnerability.
Consider tightening some lines for rhythm and clarity. For example, "Far away from watching eyes filled with grinded hate and stained mercies" could be rephrased for smoother flow—perhaps simplifying or clarifying "grinded hate" and "stained mercies," which are evocative but slightly opaque. Additionally, the phrase "quiet, anti movement of sadness policed by you" is intriguing but somewhat abstract; clarifying the role of "you" here might strengthen the emotional impact.
Overall, the poem's strength lies in its emotional honesty and rich imagery. Focusing on refining certain metaphors and ensuring consistent rhythm will enhance its resonance.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
3 months ago
Break
Hello, Sheddie,
I feel the inner turmoil here - filled with sorrow and pain.
Very tender.
Thank you,
L