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judyanne
judyanne
Apr 14, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The Breath of Blood

.
He hurts himself so purposely
to see if he can summon pain,
and carves her name for her to see.
He hurts himself so purposely,
and numbly, proudly, bloodily
surveys the damage with disdain.
He hurts himself so purposely
to see if he can summon pain.

She watches, as he cuts his arm
awake’ning fills her dark-lashed eyes.
As her initials join the harm
she watches. As he cuts his arm
a silent bell, a dull alarm
ignored, it's too far to descry.
She watches, as he cuts his arm
awake’ning fills her dark-lashed eyes.

In co-dependent unison
he cuts his arm, she watches him.
Together, separate, one prison.
In co-dependent unison,
existing in their red dungeon,
he lives, she feels, but light is dim.
In co-dependent unison
he cuts his arm, she watches him.

.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: . . A triolet is a poem of only eight lines with a rhyme scheme ABaAabAB. It's usually written in iambic tetrameter i have written this in pentameter, it is a triple triolet - each poem able to stand on its own. . .

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story

More from this author

Comments

themoonman

themoonman

13 years 3 months ago

Judy,

A touchy subject matter that seems to be
everywhere, yet hidden except from the very
observant ... but it's there!

I normally don't like repetition but I do know when
it works, and here you've left me with a haunting
image. Great poem Judy !

Eduardo Cruz

Eduardo Cruz

13 years 3 months ago

Judy,

I like the Vivid Darkness of this, what a nightmare to imagine coming from inside your head.
The repeation worked, it was as if I could here music playing some dark hyme in the back round. this was crafted so well. thanks for sharing your darkness.

Eddie
...

judyanne

judyanne

13 years 3 months ago

thanks eddie

lol - i i'm not normally able to think up dark writes, not usually easy for me
but the funny thing was this just spilled out...

lol - i'm a little afraid my mind might be necrosing.......

love judy
xxx

Eduardo Cruz

Eduardo Cruz

13 years 3 months ago

Funny,

You used the the word spill, which I am sure was on purpose. Hahaha!

It is a very well written poem!

Eddie

Esker

Esker

13 years 3 months ago

Delightful entrancing

your dark poem dancing

love it immensely
Like black light
in a cold room

the storm of thorns
and the muse throne born

Thank You

Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

13 years 3 months ago

Having just seen the film of

Having just seen the film of the boy who fell down a canyon and got his arm jammed, finally having to cut off his arm to break free and live; this has an immediacy, you mesmerise us with the repetition and we are drawn closer to an act we would rather shun, and yet it fascinates and we see through yet another hole in man's inadequacy to live. No judgement, no tears, no desperate descriptions or fears, just coldly like an art happening frozen into a verse.

Well done judyanne,
annanya

Linda Moses

Linda Moses

13 years 3 months ago

cutters

I like the way you convey the fact that he cuts without feeling. Cutters usually do this thing to relieve pain and anxiety.

Linda

Linda Moses

Linda Moses

13 years 3 months ago

cutters

I like the way you convey the fact that he cuts without feeling. Cutters usually do this thing to relieve pain and anxiety.
sorry about the duplicate comments and the other comment meant for Richard. I have tried to correct and delete, still trying to learn the how to here. Linda

Linda

judyanne

judyanne

13 years 3 months ago

thanks linda

for the review and comments
very nice to meet you

- he cuts to prove he's alive
she watches, for only if he's alive does she feel

love judy
xx

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 3 months ago

Fuck me dead!

Before you came back after your absence I don't remember you being such a superb wordcrafter and master of form. Is it my early onset dementia or has some change occurred? Go on, admit it, you have been studying and training.

What particularly strikes me about this is the perfect match of form and content.

Very powerful, very apt, very elegant. And I did not miss the irony as man as self-mutilator by cutting, a role normally taken by teenage girls.

I am humbled and really need to get back to work on my poetry to retain any credibility on this site.

judyanne

judyanne

13 years 3 months ago

lol - i love that expression jess

another lol - i don't quite know how to answer your comment
i have certainly done some reading re form, and practiced, practiced practiced different meter
as well as reading others' poetry (including popping into this site when i could and following parts of a few of the workshops)

i'm so glad you liked this - my work has paid off :)
love judy
xxx