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Jan 28, 2012
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Broken Hero
Born high and mighty, a Troy
Now but a broken toy
With no one left to cry
No matter how hard the try
From hero to zero
He has but become a Broken Hero.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
weirdelf
13 years 5 months ago
With a classical reference like Troy
a city, not a person, I kind of expected more substance.
What caused the fall?
To stick to the the classical reference, what was the Achilles Heel?
Reads nicely, good control of language.
WonderGolly
13 years 5 months ago
Wierdelf,,,,
thank you for the read and the missing substances suggested for this piece. I appreciate it. would work on it.
respects.
WonderGolly :)
weirdelf
13 years 5 months ago
I forgot to welcome you to the site. Welcome.
I may give tough feedback sometimes but I mean well. Let me know any way I can help.
WonderGolly
13 years 5 months ago
Wierdelf,,,,
It's nice to be a part of a great community like neopoet. thank you for the welcome. I have conditioned myself to relate positively to feedback from readers. I know I have a lot to learn and I am thankful to you in advance for your offer to help.
blessings.
WonderGolly :)
wesley snow
13 years 5 months ago
What Jess said.
The subject matter does demand a little more oomph in the poem. Size at least or if short, then a witty comparison with our world that catches everyone off guard.
I have a great love for the stories out of the Hellenistic Age. A poet could remain there his entire life and never want for material.
This poem needs a little storytelling.
wesley
WonderGolly
13 years 5 months ago
hello Wesley,,,
Jess pointed it out to me the poem need more flesh to spice up the meaning or the message been carried in it. Showed it to friends around me and they also thought the same. So, I've been trying to rewrite it again. Could take time but I promise to work on it.
thanks for the read and great having you around.
respects.
WonderGolly :)
"Time is all that we have. Yet Time won't give us more Time."