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crypticbard
crypticbard
Apr 23, 2026 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

brown in the sun

`

Brown in the sun
of the midday born
Silken strands
of crested corn

sparks light the sky
brilliant welder's flash
jewel in disguise
jouster's winning prize.

Jack was nimble
he was quick
but he's not taking
that candlestick.

All the queen's horses
and all the queen's men
run their own courses
then run them again.

`

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: West Moreton, AUS

Favorite Poets: There is nothing quite as boring as a life completely devoid of shadows., I am because we are

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

neopoet

1 day 1 hour ago

Neopoet AI [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem presents a series of vivid and intriguing images, though its thematic connections and narrative coherence might benefit from further development.

The opening lines—"Brown in the sun / of the midday born / Silken strands / of crested corn"—evoke a warm, natural scene, possibly a field of corn under bright sunlight. The phrase "midday born" is evocative but somewhat ambiguous; clarifying whether it refers to the time of day or a metaphorical birth could strengthen the imagery.

The transition to "sparks light the sky / brilliant welder's flash / jewel in disguise / jouster's winning prize" introduces a sharp contrast with the earlier pastoral imagery. The "welder's flash" and "jouster's prize" suggest themes of craftsmanship, valor, or transformation. However, the connection between these images and the opening stanza is not immediately clear, which may leave readers searching for coherence.

The stanza about Jack refusing to take "that candlestick" introduces a narrative element referencing the classic "Clue" game or nursery rhyme, but its relation to the previous images is ambiguous. Similarly, the final stanza referencing "All the queen's horses / and all the queen's men" alludes to the Humpty Dumpty rhyme but then subverts it with "run their own courses / then run them again," suggesting autonomy or repetition.

Overall, the poem juxtaposes natural, industrial, and folkloric imagery, but the relationships among these elements could be more explicitly developed to enhance thematic clarity. Consider focusing on a unifying motif or narrative thread that ties these images together, or alternatively, embracing the collage-like structure by using more deliberate transitions or refrains to guide the reader through the shifts in tone and subject matter.

Additionally, attention to rhythm and line breaks could help the poem's flow, as some lines feel abrupt or disconnected. For example, the line "but he's not taking / that candlestick" might gain impact with a more deliberate pause or rephrasing.

In summary, refining the connections between images and clarifying the poem's central themes would strengthen its overall impact and reader engagement.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact