burned and lost Hmm?

I was just here yesterday.
Yet it feels so far away
Lost in the conception of a day
The birth of what I call today

The abandon child of the past
Meeting the orphan, the outcast
A current dilemma moving fast
Extricating my anxiety which is vast

Considering reactions in a mistaken place
Pain which can never be wrapped in lace
Obscuring every rejoinder without a trace
As if being struck with the power of a mace

Understanding that the here and now
Is where I kneel and bow
In search of the proper Tao
Wondering whether or not to vow

A God I do not see or hear
To some hidden entity I will not endear
Because of fire and brimstone I should fear
In the eye is a condemnation tear.

Long before it began there was just pain
That came down on me like burning rain
I learned to let it flow down the drain
And realize all I did was in vain.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I need a title for this a little help would be nice from the community! Thanks! Eddie C.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Region, Country: New York City, N.Y. Spanish Harlem, USA

Favorite Poets: P. Neruda, Jose de Diego, E. Dickenson, R. Frost, there are many more, but these had the greatest influence...

Comments

weirdelf

9 years 2 months ago

oh bleak

but great to see you Eddie.
A brave construct, the insistent stanza rhyme, you manage it, just, it could have sounded forced.
"Yesterday In Vain" or even "God In Vein", just some thoughts.
A strong piece.

Eduardo Cruz

9 years 2 months ago

Jess,

Thanks, I like "Oh Bleak" for me that kind of suit the write.
I want to wait on maybe other titles.
Thanks for visiting it is always good to read your candid remarks.

Fast Eddie C.

Rula

9 years 2 months ago

Lost

Maybe?
That's the first impression after I've finished reading this Eddie.
Loved the rhyme scheme.

Eduardo Cruz

9 years 2 months ago

Rula,

Lost is a good title, but the point of it is how it was,
I fought against feelings, that I just had to let run through me,
so as to have understanding of the reality that the pain of the moment was where I would learn about myself. So yes there was a feeling of being lost, but the fact was that I had to see it in the moment. I had to stand outside of it to see it. So all my fighting it was in vain. What I learned about myself was monumental in my own self healing, realizing that I was lost on longer, but stronger for going through it. Every answer was already in me.
Thanks so much and I will be considering your title suggestion...
Eddie C.

scribbler

9 years 2 months ago

Well, interesting?
will think on that one.
Thanks always a pleasure to hear from you.

Eddie C.

I hate when this happens, the response duplicates. sorry to all "run away fingers"

Eumolpus

6 years 1 month ago

an interesting form

and very hard to pull off. I agree with the first comment. I think when doing a single rhyme quatrain if all the rhymes are direct it starts to sound forced. Sometimes putting in a slant rhyme helps break that up. Also in such a poem the meter becomes urgent to be exact, as the brain starts to create a pace, a flow, and if the meter is off it's like we loose a beat. This happens most with this type of poem, more than an abab or the like.