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Oct 17, 2018
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Burning Land
there are women who love demons
you can see it in their eyes
like a sick hunger
silence in a straight jacket
smiling limbs on a pyre
staring entranced
whiskey blind
as if marveling
at a howling blood-spattered dingo in a crater
to wander off half-naked into a bush of thorns
fingering barbed hooks for heroine kisses
women on fire who believe in nothing
except their atavistic compulsions
they are a burning land
beauty in ruin
ready for the slender whip
and black-toothed kisses
who giggle and then plunge into an abyss
i hold her like a jaw holds teeth
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
chevyvent
6 years 8 months ago
A Great Word selection in poem to behold
"Whiskey Blind makes on e think twice"," Like a sick hunger really up in the pages",,
Most modern writers lack the skill and drive to possess our minds for very long. I want to be driven to think and having done so, realize another step in my life's dream
Would i trade the words to stand alone,
and be a poet whose words stand in stone
Would i trade words to keep me in verse and rythme
For all time
Would i trade the words to flip sonnet and lyre on the toss of a dime
Yes i would trade words for sure to make it certain my words endure
Yes id trade words that keep my words in place and bring a smile to your face
Hard to believe, but men at war like to remember their loves.
As real as war and death are to a soldier; quiet moments in the trenches with a picture of a love is just as compelling and real!
zebra
6 years 8 months ago
Ranging
Your commentary seems like a stream of consciousness as if your mind is disconnected from the task of the review, so quite honestly I don't know what to make of it. Having said that I so very much appreciate your review
Geezer
6 years 8 months ago
I'm impressed...
I know you have seen the wreckage of addiction! It must have affected you in such a way, that you were able to put it in the work you have given us. Only criticism is that you misspelled the first word of the sixth line. Only one [r] in staring. This is full of simple, straightforward sentences that give basic
information that runs smoothly through out the poem. I like he title, in that it clings to the theme and readily caught my attention. Just what a title is supposed to do. I'm going to read the rest of what you have posted here on Neo and hopefully they will be as good or better than this! ~ Geezer.
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zebra
6 years 8 months ago
Thank you Geezer you for the
Thank you Geezer you for the spell correct and your kind review I'm new sort of new here. Ill keep posting and look forward to your comments ;)
Eumolpus
6 years 8 months ago
Intense: poetic and accessable
You treat the subject with a great rawness of images. The beginning drew me into the poem so I felt the developing narrative.
If I had to offer any suggestion, under penalty of fine, I would drop "seduced". Too many syllables in the poems longest line and not sure you need it as the rest suggests enough about it...indeed the whole poem is about seduction.
at a howling blood-spattered dingo in a crater
to wander off half-naked into a bush of thorns
Otherwise much more accessible to this reader without shame, and very haunting.
zebra
6 years 8 months ago
on point
Razor sharp critique indeed Eumolpus, the word seduction gone as it is superfluous
Thank you very much for your smart kind review of my work