weirdelf

Aug 13, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the workshop:

RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin

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Bye Bye Woes (Rhyme Pattern #1 SS) Rula’s re-written by weirdelf

RE-WRITE

Slam your heavy woes
for nothing merits pain
after promising day's gain
a pristine twilight shows

Clean the smell of hatred
with love we always grow
and profit in tomorrow
for time should not be wasted

Now, hurry up! come on dear
and put your hand in mine
our ways with gold will shine
with our intentions clear

Happiness gleans no dust
think not of the poor past
sorrows could not last
when in our future we place trust

ORIGINAL

Slam your heavy pains, woes
for nothing merits pain
A pristine twilight shows
a promisin' day to gain.

Clean the smell of hatred
with love we better grow
time shouldn't be 'ver wasted
profit in the morrow.

Now, hurry! come on dear
and put your hand in mine
when good intentions clear
our ways with gold will shine.

As happ'ness lingers
think not of the poor past
Don't moan, cross the fingers
sorrows can never last.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I felt the content was already a major factor in not being very SS so I just converted it to ABBA, which can further lessen SS and cleaned up, to my ear, some of the flow, without imposing a strict meter.

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The Romantics, The Mersey Sound, The Beats and, of course, The Bard

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

judyanne

12 years 10 months ago

'when in our future we do trust'

my only crit jess
maybe simply
'when in our future we trust' ?

also
'after promising days gain' - 'day's' ?

well re-written, takes a little of the hallmarky away imo
abba scheme seems to be the main conjecture of lessening the sing-song it seems

love judy
xxx

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

thanks Judy,

yes
'when in our future we do trust'
bothers me too, that 'do', there's a catch in the scansion without it and a forced feeling with it.

will fix day's

judyanne

12 years 10 months ago

maybe then

'when in our future we place trust' ?
xxx

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

good one!

done!

scribbler

12 years 10 months ago

Hi

When we in our future trust might work

Rula

12 years 10 months ago

I am really sorry

I am late to give a comment on your great work jess. It is indeed nice though I always prefered the abab rhyme but it is not of course your fault. I really loved the last stanza , very well polished indeed :

Happiness gleans no dust
think not of the poor past
sorrows could not last
when in our future we place trust

Thanks again, Great work done for a simple halmarky work ![smiles]

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

thank you Rula,

I was concerned I had screwed it up for you.

Oh, and part of the exercise was to change the rhyme scheme.

Ian.T

12 years 10 months ago

Jess

A very good change to the original and has your flair for form in there.
Small point in the second Stanza the last line goes:-
"for time should not be wasted" Can you say why the FOR is there?
Is it essential to the form of the piece?? other wise nothing to fault, Yours Ian.T

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

for is a synonym for beacuse.

that's why

Ian.T

12 years 10 months ago

Jess

Yep, I realised that it was for because, just thought it was extra to requirements, so assumed it was for meter or the line form..??
Yours Ian.T

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

my comment made no sense

I'll try again

Ian.T

12 years 10 months ago

Jess

The (for) at the beginning of that line could have been left off.
But if it is there to make a correctly balanced line as you do then its OK.
I know that For is used in place of Because as it is a synonym for because.
I thought that it just wasn't needed in that line ??
Yours Ian.T

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

yep, it's just for meter

My very bad. I could have done it better. Without "for" the line is more profound.

I always stressed in meter workshops that words should not be used for meter alone. I fucked up. Hey, I might be good, but I'm not perfect.

Roscoe Lane

12 years 10 months ago

First time,

First time in a workshop, so i hope you'll forgive any mistakes. Jess i like what you've done to this poem, only thing that keeps popping into my head is. Verse one, line one. Clean the smell of hatred, i keep wanting to put . Clear our smells of hatred. Anyway i would like to enter into your workshop programme, would that be ok . Regards Roscoe...