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Sep 10, 2025
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The Calm within
Beneath an exterior lily white,
Anxiety's hidden, wrapped up tight.
With my hands deceptively still,
Whilst tummy rumbles like a drill.
A constant earthquake, cloaked in fear,
Seeking to make hope disappear.
Yet summer sunshine's on my skin,
Battling worries, so they wear thin.
Before the return of autumn gloom,
When darkness creeps, as if it's doom.
With days that feel oh too long,
Time seems like its all gone wrong.
Yet for now, I revel in gladness,
Doom's pushed out, expelling sadness.
With a sense of respite, short-lived peace,
As the thrum of anxiety is set to decrease.
And as this tale of gratitude comes to a close,
Praise be to God for this heartfelt prose.
May it shine like a beacon of light,
With an abundance of hope, if I sit tight.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
2 weeks 3 days ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem presents a clear emotional journey, contrasting internal anxiety with moments of external calm and hope. The use of imagery such as "Beneath an exterior lily white" and "tummy rumbles like a drill" effectively conveys the tension between outward composure and inner turmoil. The metaphor of an "earthquake" to describe fear is vivid and relatable, emphasizing the intensity of the speaker’s anxiety.
The seasonal references—summer sunshine versus autumn gloom—serve as a strong structural and thematic device, illustrating the cyclical nature of emotional states. This helps ground the poem in a temporal context that many readers can connect with, enhancing its universality.
However, some lines could benefit from tighter phrasing to improve rhythm and impact. For example, "With hands deceptively still" might be reworked to better align with the surrounding imagery or to clarify whose hands are referenced. Additionally, the rhyme scheme is consistent but occasionally feels forced, such as in the closing couplet where "prose" and "close" are paired; considering slant rhymes or varying the rhyme pattern might create a more natural flow.
The poem’s conclusion, invoking gratitude and hope, provides a hopeful resolution but shifts tone somewhat abruptly with the direct mention of God and "heartfelt prose." Integrating this spiritual element more subtly throughout the poem could create a more cohesive emotional arc.
Overall, the poem effectively captures the tension between anxiety and hope, using accessible language and relatable metaphors. Refining some lines for rhythm and integrating thematic elements more seamlessly would enhance its emotional resonance and lyrical quality.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
2 weeks 3 days ago
I'm thinking...
that a little better identification of the hands, [my hands], the ending of battle could be [ing], so too, the use of [ing] may be helpful in [expel] making the line say:
Doom's pushed out, expelling sadness. [short-lived] peace instead of temporary, could make the line smoother. The absence of the [ing] helps the meter in the line, making the line: "As the thrum of anxiety set to decrease." All just little things to meet the meter and make it smoother.
It sounds as though you are having some relief from your pain during the day when there are distractions, I hope that is true. ~Geez.
.
Tigger Kaz
2 weeks 2 days ago
Thank you
Yes distractions do help , I must admit. Although, in keeping busy I then find myself exhausted by the afternoon. Sometimes it feels as if there's really no sense of winning.
But I am stubborn/ or determined to not let chronic illness beat me.
Ammended as per your advice.
Thanks for the feedback 😊
Clentin
2 weeks 2 days ago
Tigger, Liked the poem,…
Tigger,
Liked the poem, agree with geezer about some items.
Liked the first stanza
"Beneath an exterior lily white,
Anxiety's hidden, wrapped up tight.
With hands deceptively still,
Whilst tummy rumbles like a drill."
Tigger Kaz
2 weeks 2 days ago
Thank you
Often I like the first stanza the best as well.
Oh how to keep the same imagery going throughout the poem. I guess that's something I need to work on hey.