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Nov 17, 2011
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Canary In The Mine
The lies are dressed
In little pinks tutus.
The scorn is ready
For the masquerade.
The canary in the mine
Turns out to be
A hummingbird.
The butterfly in my tummy,
A bee.
The laugh really is
A stiffled moan;
The tear is shed for sorrow.
The sun is gone because the night
Will breed a bleaker tomorrow
About This Poem
Last Few Words: True story, hidden in verse.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Candlewitch
13 years 7 months ago
Hello William,
I really like your title.Your language useage is phenominal! Fine structure. I enjoyed your poem very much, even though iit saddened me. It made me feel something, like all great poetry should. My favorite lines were hard to choose, but I really liked:
The laugh really is
A stiffled moan;
The tear is shed for sorrow.
The sun is gone because the night
Will breed a bleaker tomorrow
Always, Cat
William Saint George
13 years 7 months ago
Thank you!
The feelings in this poem are very real. I am going through a tough time fighting some depression. Most of the words just came to me and they felt right for the poem, so the internal logic may not be all that consistent. That said, I'm really grateful you enjoyed this poem.
It really does make me feel much better. Thank you!