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Sep 20, 2013
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the candy land
I fell into this body
made of sugar and coal
I know I will love it
and forever I will go
and in the past I was someone
but not someone better
just someone different
give me the real
its gone to far to feel
we are in plastic and vice
its all about the price
in the past I was someone
not someone smarter
but someone innocent
give me your eyes
and il never tell goodbye
im confused and young
lets go have more fun
in the past I was someone
not someone nicer
but someone looking out for me
i gave you everything
you gave the others the string
im tired and alone
looks like life had won
in the past i was someone
not someone to be proud of
but i was someone
About This Poem
Last Few Words: please i don't use grammar well, be kind with only that.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Ian.T
12 years 1 month ago
W-P
Firstly welcome to Neopoet site.
It was refreshing to read your write.
I shall look for you next pieces and not to worry we have enough teachers here that will guide you in your works.
I have been here a few years and it is one of the best places for learning about poetry there is, bar super high school
Only one or two small things at the moment:- i is alway I (Cap)
"and il never tell goodbye" il is usually put as I'll " that damn capital again lol..
Take care, talk again soon, Yours Ian.T