lou

Dec 05, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Carnal Grin

Carnal grin , a sensuality
that makes me sin.
Out of control

A one to one connection
As I crave the warmth of your skin
Melt down.

Two bodies melding,
pulsating, undulating
as one.

Sample and savour,
I long to drink you in,
for a physical reaction.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: West London, GBR

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda , Jack Kerouac, Alan Ginsberg, D.H Lawrence, Jim Morrison's lyrics,

Comments

Kailashana2

14 years 7 months ago

Sounds like an atomic

Sounds like an atomic reaction, waiting to happen.

:-)

On a more personal note, I too, had that incredible desire, need, want.... I am certain that what we want most will most certainly come to be. May the love of your life walk in now.

lou

14 years 7 months ago

Anna

Thank you , i'm glad that you enjoyed it.

lou

scribbler

14 years 7 months ago

grin

Isn't it odd the messages that can be relayed in " that look "? Line 6 :you might try beginning it with " A " to see if it improves it in your opinion...........................scribbler

lou

14 years 7 months ago

Stan and Xena

i used the word grin, because it can convey,wickedness, of many kinds.

thank you

Lou

Loreli

14 years 7 months ago

I wickedly grinned

..as I read this. To quote Xena, "...this is HOT".

Peace,
Lori

lou

14 years 7 months ago

Lori

I'm pleased that my poem had the desired effect

Louise

loved

14 years 7 months ago

Like the effect of
sweet bitter arsenic
in orange juice,
they now have discovered
arsenic poison is good too ,
it took them years
to so do
that's how vibrations
in unison help u so
perhaps to orgasm
and avoid arsenic spam

lou

14 years 7 months ago

Loved

Thanks

Lou

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Lou,

Great write indeed and I love the title...it grabs you right away.

I have a suggestion: Every middle line of each stanza, other than stanza two rhymes (sin, undulating, in.). I am not sure that was your intention, but if you re-arrange the second stanza:

A one to one connection
As I crave the warmth of your skin
Melt down.

The whole piece then has a great flow and tempo...trying chanting it out...the rhyming makes it flow and gives it some more energy.

Obviously if you didn't want any rhyme, you may have to change the other verses.

Whatever you do, I think it is great.

I know you pretty well and can understand your thoughts and feelings behind this one.

lou

14 years 7 months ago

Longo

Thanks

Kailashana2

14 years 7 months ago

Thoughts.... to use, or

Thoughts.... to use, or dismiss:

Carnal grin
a sensuality
out of control

I crave you
two bodies melding,
pulsating, undulating

Sampling and savouring
longing to drink you in,
you are my sin.

~Anna

lou

14 years 7 months ago

Anna

Thanks I will take look at it

Lou

lou

14 years 7 months ago

HS

i'm pleased this poem has had a positive reaction. I'll take a look at what you have suggested.

Yes I knew you would understand the inspiration .

Lou

mand

14 years 7 months ago

Hiya Lou

I agree with Xena, Hot and steamy - excellent poem from an excellent poetess.

Love Mand xxxxx

lou

14 years 7 months ago

Mand

Thank you very much

Love Lou

themoonman

14 years 7 months ago

Hi Lou ...

I liked your poem, could be because I'm in tune with
the "carnal" side, the sly knowing grin of it ... that being
said I did feel that a couple of words were a bit "formal"
for the content, at least for me, I see no-one else has
said anything but ... "undulating", and "physical reaction",
might just be me ... anyway, thanks for the read, enjoyed
it.

Richard