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Feb 18, 2011
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cedarline
brush the rain
that draws
the light
in beads
the steam
on the glass
radiator growling
and the television
fills the emptiness
and chases
darkness into corners
and under beds
I wait forever
for tommorrow
and falter in ruins
I have cast
and I think of
the cedarline
cold rains
that fell
and where you
are in memory
and in my heart
where you dwell
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
14 years 4 months ago
The lonely...
always just rolls off from your work. I think you might delete the [and] 1.6. and not lose the meaning, but rid yourself of the repeat word. ~ Gee
Kailashana2
14 years 4 months ago
The ending is not up to the
The ending is not up to the usual Steven poetry.... I have taken the liberty to edit...
and I think of
the cedarline
cold rains
that fell
your memory
in this I dwell
~A
scribbler
14 years 4 months ago
hi esker
you expressed the isolation of a lost love well here.I also have an alternate for the end:
and I think of
the cedar line
cold rains that fell
and where you are
within my memory
and heart
you dwell
'course I'm hardly an expert at free verse.......................scribbler
Esker
14 years 4 months ago
workshop..
You are all correct
lately when Im writing
with trying to be sparce
without using a dictionary or thesauras
(sp) Its limited
I think after all these years Im repeating
things but I keep going
I like all of the edits here
not one really can go wrong
wow this input is great
will have to come back here
and see what adjustments to make
again thank you all for your comments
on this..
scribbler
14 years 4 months ago
hi Esker
Worry not about repeating yourself. So much has been written by any one person that all words and phrases must be recycled. Must be recycled, recycled...............lmao.........scribbler