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Sep 12, 2021
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The Celestial Threat
On that solid selfish night
dark threatened to shut down
and bang out
the flamboyant moon resists
tear gassing florescent light
warning the shooting stars to depart
and the flickering star halts
giraffin in a subtle manner
but only the clustered cloud burgles his way to victory
and the night dies smoothly
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
3 years 10 months ago
Esses and tenses...
1] And the flickering star[s] no [s]
2] but only the clustered cloud burgle[s] add [s]
3] and the night die[s] smoothly
Your title is good and in keeping with the story
I like the theme
The logic is there, but subtle.
~ Geezer.
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Jackweb
3 years 10 months ago
Thank you Geezer!
I will definitely get the errors corrected.
Thank you so much.
Geezer, "The logic is there, but subtle".
Do you think there's need for extension?
Geezer
3 years 10 months ago
No...
I was just remarking that your logic is there, but not overdone, as it might be if you try to add to it. I think it is fine just the way it is, for logic. ~ Geez.
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Jackweb
3 years 10 months ago
Much thanks
Alright. I got you now.