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Apr 13, 2022
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CHARGED BEAUTY
Like a staring sunrise,
dazzling beauty wise,
a beauty so rare,
many eyes will dare,
your color kisses the sun,
and the sun arise and run,
for avoiding infidelity ruin
your elegancy brightens the moon,
like a shimmering waters of blue beach,
I will swim in your love as I closely reach.
what a gem you are to me,
you seem to be immersed in beauty and that is a fine thing to be!
I'm emotionally suspended waiting to see
more of your brightness as you steadily shine
I'm now a worshiper of your presence - a beauty shrine!
©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Candlewitch
3 years 2 months ago
dear jack,
this is my favorite line of your poem:
"what a sparkling quill you seem to be,"
you seem to be immersed in beauty and that is a fine thing to be!
*hugs, Cat
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Thanks Cat
Should I change the line entirely " What a sparkling quill you seem to be" and replace it with your suggestion?
Your advice please!
Ray Whitaker
3 years 2 months ago
A very nice piece here!
you are determined to show Love. Very refreshing!
I like the couplets form a lot. it's not too long, either, some poems go on and on [I'm guilty of this too] and this one makes its point without bedraggling.
suggestions:
S3- having a hard time getting this. the sun gives me a fantastic brightness, not necessarily a color, and the rhyme seems a bit forced.
S4- in American english the pronunciation of "ruin" and "moon" don't rhyme. This is a small thing, tho.
as afore-mentioned, reading a poem so enriched in loving Lif is very refreshing!
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Thanks Ray
Please give me your sugested lines for replacement. I am eager to do it right
Ray Whitaker
3 years 2 months ago
Don't know if I am the person for that
sometimes poets have an committed ownership of a piece...
I'd rather you select the lines for your piece. You have a great talent for doing this. My suggestions are simply made as that: suggestions.
You are doing it right, if I may be so bold as to assert that.
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Noted.
I'm impressed. Thank you for responding
Candlewitch
3 years 2 months ago
dear Jack,
you could replace this line: "what a sparkling quill you seem to be," with ( what a gem you are to me) it is just a suggestion.
*hugs, Cat
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Yes Cat
Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for going through it
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Yes Cat
Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for going through it
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Yes Cat
Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for going through it
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Yes Cat
Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for going through it
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Yes Cat
Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for going through it
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Yes Cat
Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for going through it
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Yes Cat
Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for going through it
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Yes Cat
Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for going through it
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Yes Cat
Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for going through it
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Yes Cat
Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for going through it
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Yes Cat
Your suggestion is taken. I even prefer it. Thank you once more for reading again
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Thank you Mark
Good to hear from you again. Its been a long time. Hope you are doing well.