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Apr 18, 2016
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Chasing the Sun
With rudder, scope, and ravens three,
A lonely sailor combed the sea.
But even though he tried and tried
He couldn’t find the fabled key.
In grief he held his head and cried,
“Why is there something wrong with me?
What is this hole I feel inside?”
With gentle voice the sea replied,
“You are unloved and dispossessed.
There lies the reason you’re depressed.
You need the love of someone to
Ignite the light inside your chest.
The sun is loved by stars, it’s true.
They chase the sun from east to west.
But no one glimmers at your hue.
There are no stars who yearn for you.
Fear not, my sailor; don’t you weep.
I’ll give my love to you to keep.
Come close and we could be as one.”
So overboard he made a leap.
Around her waves the man was spun;
She held him till he fell asleep.
The ship and birds, adrift and glum,
All headed west to chase the sun.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I've been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts for quite a long time. A couple of weeks ago I had this idea for a poem that would frame suicide as an act of desperation, but also one of love. So yesterday I sat down with a pen and paper and this is what came out. The themes I wanted to touch on were depression, suicide, the search for love and happiness, and not recognizing or appreciating the love that we have. This is one of the only poems I've ever written, so I'm still very new at this. But I'd like to improve, so feedback is warmly welcomed.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Roscoe Lane
9 years 6 months ago
A warm,
A warm welcome to Neopoet, i like this poem though it maybe better in verses. Regards Roscoe....
Geezer
9 years 6 months ago
I am...
in complete agreement with Roscoe! I see great potential here! You have captured my interest and I hope you stick around a while. Put this in verses and let's see where you can take it. A warm welcome to you Kyle.
~ Geezer.
wesley snow
9 years 6 months ago
It's marvelous.
Welcome to NeoPoet. You will thrive here. As an early poem this one bespeaks of ability that should be honed. It's structure is naturally organized into poetic form as though you had studied for years. It is sad, but I cannot help the smile as the poem is quite lovely. I also suffer from manic depression and have found poetry to be very helpful in reducing the depression.
The site has much more to offer. Scott is preparing to teach a workshop on abstract terminology in poetry and I'd like to invite you to it. You might benefit and I know you will have fun introducing yourself to NeoPoet at large.
I hope you stick around. It looks as though you have a lot to offer and I know the site has much to offer you.